Tag Archives: sex

His Parting Words

5 Feb

H walked out today again. As in he left. And as he walked down the stairs, instead of the reminiscent, “You’re a psycho,” he simply said, “You need to see someone.” I guess he wasn’t in a sentimental mood since he chose a new parting phrase.

As a matter of fact, I did find “someone” to talk to, and went on my own at first, and then brought H too. The sessions went for several months and helped a bit.

Tension has been high. I have been working steady 12 hours days for several weeks in a row, and we have been traveling for family stuff on weekends.We have not had sex in about 2 months….maybe longer. H has been “satisfied”, but WE have not had sex in forever. There is never enough time, never enough intimacy, never enough romance, never enough trust and transparency (and never anyone but me expected to initiate either).

I listened to a podcast where they said sex should never be about duty; only desire or decision. Well honestly, it is hard to DECIDE to be intimate with a person who you are angry with. And I certainly don’t desire being used by a man who I can’t respect.

We are close to 2 years with H being unemployed. He does a lot around the house, and he does odd jobs, and he does not know what he wants to do. BUT. I am mad. He literally has not tried to find a job. And I have been working my ass off to support us. I admit, I do think it would be helpful for me to “see someone” to talk things out. I have issues that need talking out. BUT, at least I have enough stress in my life to warrant a reason for needing to talk to someone. He simply has day after day after day off, and I still somehow end up being the one he wants making all the decisions. I HATE making decisions for us alone. He hates taking blame for anything. This is a combination that is literally driving us apart, and driving me insane. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. The problem is that if I’m not the man, then we have no relationship left at all.

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Saturday sex?

8 Oct

I cheated and read H’s blog before I’m writing this one (we’re not supposed to do that). Anyhow, last night we actually went out together to a birthday party that was okay, but when we got home we decided to go out together for a drink. Just for fun. Because we never have fun together anymore. I was excited. That is – until our drinks arrived and he said, “I told your mom about our blog”.

PAUSE’> Mom, if you or any other family member is reading this, please, PLEASE stop and never read it again. This is the one place I can vent/explain/process my emotions so that I don’t hide anything in shame, can make someone (hopefully) feel not so alone (even if that someone is me), and can do all that without hurting the people I’m talking about. Well obviously H reads this. Thanks.

PLAY> Ok, so I flipped. As is flipped out (not as in gymnastics. I never was good at that stuff). I literally called him an f  ‘ing moron and left. I walked home. At almost 1am. In the dark. I left him there. I just could not believe it. First of all, this place is supposed to be a “safe” place for us to share (i.e. no hurting family members in case we say something in anger and because not all of it is their business even though we share it with complete strangers!). Secondly, he told her last Saturday and waited a week to tell me. He KNEW he shouldn’t have said anything. NOTHING is sacred with him. It makes me feel like crap. “Supposedly” he forgot to tell me. Thirdly, he had to wait til the one time we are having fun together to tell me? He had waited a week. What is one more hour? And last of all, he said he told her to forget it and never go here. Thankfully I trust my mother. Sadly, I do not trust my husband. He just gave me one more reason to doubt him.

When he came home he told me he had run into a friend and had to tell him I was mad. Uggh. Anyway, for the first time ever I told him I hate him, and I slept alone in bed. He slept on the couch. Until this morning when my alarm went off at 6:30. Thanks H (he had set it). For the record, I don’t really hate him. I just said it. I said it because I don’t know what to do. When I’m calm, he forgets things. When I’m angry he forgets things. When I yell he forgets things. I’m always invisible. I figured I give it one last try to get his attention. It didn’t. So, world, I do not hate my husband, but I DO hate how he makes me feel. I feel he took away my voice, and my sense of trust in him (that is a loooong story though).

So what does this have to do with the title “Saturday Sex”? Well I was sad this morning, because for the first time in along time we have no obligations other than errands and school work to do today, so we essentially have the morning to ourselves. Well, it made me sad all of a sudden when I realized that neither of us even so much as considered having “Saturday sex”. All because of the last few weeks. How much has changed! I’m sad deep in my soul today. For what was taken from me, for what is lost, and for what could be.

If I didn’t love him so much, I wouldn’t feel so terrible.