Tag Archives: relationships

Do you ever wish?

16 Jan

Do you ever wish you could just move somewhere. Quit your job and move? I WANT to. I want to move south, away from the cold that bothers me…away to where people are generally more polite and less rushed. Is that crazy to give up a stable job and move away from NJ; to like Nashville? I mean, I love NYC, the beach, my town…but I don’t have a lot of close friends here…they are all spread out. And I am constantly stressed out here with this pace of life.

Would that be totally irresponsible? I have no mortgage and no children…

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Is it wrong?

14 Jan

Post # 2 in one day? It is only because I have time for once….well sort of.

Is it wrong that I am growing more and more annoyed that I am the one sick at home, doing my work and taking care of the dog, while H goes skiing and has fun, and I am also the only one paying the bills around here?

Abandoned

14 Jan

So H is off on an annual skiing tip. He left Thursday and will be back monday. I have the dog (who’s is still recovering from his surgery) and all my work to do. I do have a day off on Monday, and I feel kind of conflicted. Ever feel that way? I KNOW H loves skiing, and since I don’t, this is his one trip a year that he gets to go skiing, so I am happy for him. BUT it is also my long weekend, where we could have had some quality time together. We REALLY need that. I feel like he left me. There was no discussion; it was simply, “I’m going away from Thursday through Monday to go skiing with the guys.” 

So here I am feeling abandoned, yet slightly guilty that I feel abandoned. I’m not quite sure how to get “past” this bothersome bump.

Fear is paralysis

10 Jan

Fear can be paralyzing. My main fear is the fear of uncertainty. Fear is essentially a lack of trust. That’s all it is.

I recently watched “New Year’s Eve” (the movie) and there was a quote the struck me. I will paraphrase: If you could do one thing today and know you would not fail, what would you do? Now go out a do it.

This has me thinking as I ponder a new year and a new direction….

From H

30 Dec

So W is upset with me for many things. Feels like we are constantly just waiting for the next thing to happen. We are fine now, but had a big to-do yesterday thought. I have this job where I make cold calls and try and get business. It’s 100% sales with total flexibility as far as hours, location etc. I got the job in September and have worked on and off giving it a couple hours a day some days more than others. After having no success with sales I did some research into the competition and realized that the product is just not competitive. At this point I feel like it’s a waste of time to continue. The cost for my product is over 10 times what some companies are offering… the issue between W and I is that I never gave it a 100%. I never worked an 8 hour day on this. It hurts her because I basically gave up on it and she was hoping to be able to move, not have to work, have kids sooner, get another dog etc…. she asked me in early December to give it one month of full 8 hour days. I told her no and she was very hurt by that. Not so much because of the money, but because she finds it hard to respect me when I won’t do something for her when it means so much. I felt like its a waste of time from the business side… in her defense the issue is a bit deeper. I haven’t had to ever give 100% in my life to get what I want. Everything has just worked out. So by me not giving 100% to this job which theoretically could have provided everything W wanted is hard for her to let go. She sees me as not willing to work hard for something that is important to her. She has told me she thinks I’m a hard worker but I’m not good at creating something from nothing. I kind of wait for something to come by way. I feel like she needs acknowledge that there is nothing I could do to make this sales job a success, regardless of how hard I worked. That being said I do understand why she is so upset and hurt by my lack of effort. Thoughts?

Saturday sex?

8 Oct

I cheated and read H’s blog before I’m writing this one (we’re not supposed to do that). Anyhow, last night we actually went out together to a birthday party that was okay, but when we got home we decided to go out together for a drink. Just for fun. Because we never have fun together anymore. I was excited. That is – until our drinks arrived and he said, “I told your mom about our blog”.

PAUSE’> Mom, if you or any other family member is reading this, please, PLEASE stop and never read it again. This is the one place I can vent/explain/process my emotions so that I don’t hide anything in shame, can make someone (hopefully) feel not so alone (even if that someone is me), and can do all that without hurting the people I’m talking about. Well obviously H reads this. Thanks.

PLAY> Ok, so I flipped. As is flipped out (not as in gymnastics. I never was good at that stuff). I literally called him an f  ‘ing moron and left. I walked home. At almost 1am. In the dark. I left him there. I just could not believe it. First of all, this place is supposed to be a “safe” place for us to share (i.e. no hurting family members in case we say something in anger and because not all of it is their business even though we share it with complete strangers!). Secondly, he told her last Saturday and waited a week to tell me. He KNEW he shouldn’t have said anything. NOTHING is sacred with him. It makes me feel like crap. “Supposedly” he forgot to tell me. Thirdly, he had to wait til the one time we are having fun together to tell me? He had waited a week. What is one more hour? And last of all, he said he told her to forget it and never go here. Thankfully I trust my mother. Sadly, I do not trust my husband. He just gave me one more reason to doubt him.

When he came home he told me he had run into a friend and had to tell him I was mad. Uggh. Anyway, for the first time ever I told him I hate him, and I slept alone in bed. He slept on the couch. Until this morning when my alarm went off at 6:30. Thanks H (he had set it). For the record, I don’t really hate him. I just said it. I said it because I don’t know what to do. When I’m calm, he forgets things. When I’m angry he forgets things. When I yell he forgets things. I’m always invisible. I figured I give it one last try to get his attention. It didn’t. So, world, I do not hate my husband, but I DO hate how he makes me feel. I feel he took away my voice, and my sense of trust in him (that is a loooong story though).

So what does this have to do with the title “Saturday Sex”? Well I was sad this morning, because for the first time in along time we have no obligations other than errands and school work to do today, so we essentially have the morning to ourselves. Well, it made me sad all of a sudden when I realized that neither of us even so much as considered having “Saturday sex”. All because of the last few weeks. How much has changed! I’m sad deep in my soul today. For what was taken from me, for what is lost, and for what could be.

If I didn’t love him so much, I wouldn’t feel so terrible.

So far…(W)

5 Sep

This is a good day in marriage. So far. Today – Labor Day – has started out superbly. H made me tea in bed (p.s. he does that EVERY day) and went to walk the puppy on his own. He gave him a super long walk which frees me up to do whatever I want today since Puppy will be nice and tired. As I lounge in bed (I woke up an hour ago) I am typing this and looking out at a sunshine-y morning, listening to H bang aroudn in the kitchen making me breakfast. Right now, H is the best husband in the world.