Tag Archives: marriage; sex; anger; wife; husband; relationships; fights

I did it again

27 Nov

I kicked him out…

until my family comes back from a church meeting/lunch about 2 hours away (we have house guests that are currently with my parents). I think they get back tonight.

He didn’t want to leave, but I made him, telling him I would make a scene with the neighbors if he didn’t leave. I didn’t even let him change or take any house keys. He has a wallet and a phone, is wearing sweat pants and a nice jacket. Ha.

I know it sounds harsh, and my anger came so quickly to the surface, but it has been bubbling, simmering like a pot almost at boiling point, for so long, that I guess the temperature raised just enough to bring my anger to a full on boiling point. Admittedly this happens fairly often.

IĀ  have questions about my seemingly reressed anger. I had an idyllic childhood of note in an extremely close, loving family. I don’t recall any traunmatic incidents in my life. Where is this anger coming from? Honestly, I know that today’s “problem symptom” was the fact that I got in the car and realized that the registration information was outdated and unorganized, there was a ton of trash in MY car (it was not my trash), and then I walked into our house and realized that ( I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD AND PETTY) H had left his stinky shoes (piles of them) right where I had asked him not to. Then I noticed all the dust where it should have been cleaned only a couple days ago. It was not simply two days worth of dust. That was the start of a fight that was too long and boring to re-tell until I locked him out, called the dog over to “hold” me and cried for awhile.

The worst thing is that H said, ” I love you” and looked in my eyes, and I said some variation of, ” You’re a liar and never follow through on anything.” Now I’m praying he doesn’t die in an accident even though it was my choice to say what I did.

Here’s the thing: I know this situation seems like I am a complete psycho, because who kicks someone out over dust and a dirty car? Well, I don’t know. I’ve been struggling recently about this repressedĀ  anger I have. H has a way of pushing my trigger buttons, but I still have this anger. I still have control and choices and I am making them and letting my anger get the better of me. Here is what scares me: children who are abused sexually often block those memories, sometimes for their whole lives, but one resulting symptom is extreme repressed anger for seemingly no reason. Another one is sexual dysfunction. I have both of those symptoms. Sad, but true. Maybe a co-incidence, but I’m terrified of going down this path, even if it ends up crossing off an item/possibilty. Either I was abused and will have to work through that, OR I was not and will have this deep anger that I have no idea how to cut out of my life.