Tag Archives: love

His Parting Words

5 Feb

H walked out today again. As in he left. And as he walked down the stairs, instead of the reminiscent, “You’re a psycho,” he simply said, “You need to see someone.” I guess he wasn’t in a sentimental mood since he chose a new parting phrase.

As a matter of fact, I did find “someone” to talk to, and went on my own at first, and then brought H too. The sessions went for several months and helped a bit.

Tension has been high. I have been working steady 12 hours days for several weeks in a row, and we have been traveling for family stuff on weekends.We have not had sex in about 2 months….maybe longer. H has been “satisfied”, but WE have not had sex in forever. There is never enough time, never enough intimacy, never enough romance, never enough trust and transparency (and never anyone but me expected to initiate either).

I listened to a podcast where they said sex should never be about duty; only desire or decision. Well honestly, it is hard to DECIDE to be intimate with a person who you are angry with. And I certainly don’t desire being used by a man who I can’t respect.

We are close to 2 years with H being unemployed. He does a lot around the house, and he does odd jobs, and he does not know what he wants to do. BUT. I am mad. He literally has not tried to find a job. And I have been working my ass off to support us. I admit, I do think it would be helpful for me to “see someone” to talk things out. I have issues that need talking out. BUT, at least I have enough stress in my life to warrant a reason for needing to talk to someone. He simply has day after day after day off, and I still somehow end up being the one he wants making all the decisions. I HATE making decisions for us alone. He hates taking blame for anything. This is a combination that is literally driving us apart, and driving me insane. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. The problem is that if I’m not the man, then we have no relationship left at all.

Starting off 2012 with a bang

2 Jan

2012 was great…as long as we were with my family. When we came home it turned into this:

Jan 1st – night: We decided to plan a vacation for February. H gets frustrated with online “lies” (rates that advertise cheaper than they end up being). This frustrates me because I want to be excited. Go to bed.

Jan 2nd – morning: My day off. Last night I told H that I wanted to have a relaxing day – the kind where you plan what you are going to do right as you want to do it (so there is no stress of a schedule to keep.) Alas, I woke up to H beside me, reading some stupid free book that he has no interest in. H is frustrated with me because I didn’t get up early enough to have the productive day he planned. I immediately became upset and hurt because I had specifically told him yesterday that I wanted my day off to be relaxing with no schedule. AND, he had NOT communicated his desire at all, so it was totally unfair to expect me to know he wanted to have me get up early. ARG….this went downhill fast, resulting in my expressing the fact that I can’t respect someone who doesn’t listen to me, or communicate with me, and H saying he wanted to “draw a line in the sand” and “start over”. I don’t work like that. If you’ve ever heard the comparison of men are like waffles and women like spaghetti, well this is true of us. H can put things in a “box” and I have things wound up all in every aspect of my life. Can’t separate. Must resolve.

Right now H is calling places about getting our dog neutered, and I am sitting in my PJ’s with puffy eyes, from realizing that I am actually grieving a death of a dream (another piece of spaghetti) – H’s job that he has, in my opinion, not given an honest effort to.

SO this is very convoluted, and not the best way to begin 2012….but honesty is something, right?

I do have something positive to offer. I found this very cool blog: simplemom.net

She had a very cool thing to do for the new year: 20 downloadable questions to ask yourself. I’m going to do it today. You should take a gander at it if you get a chance. You can even download and print a copy of the Q’ s here.

Saturday sex?

8 Oct

I cheated and read H’s blog before I’m writing this one (we’re not supposed to do that). Anyhow, last night we actually went out together to a birthday party that was okay, but when we got home we decided to go out together for a drink. Just for fun. Because we never have fun together anymore. I was excited. That is – until our drinks arrived and he said, “I told your mom about our blog”.

PAUSE’> Mom, if you or any other family member is reading this, please, PLEASE stop and never read it again. This is the one place I can vent/explain/process my emotions so that I don’t hide anything in shame, can make someone (hopefully) feel not so alone (even if that someone is me), and can do all that without hurting the people I’m talking about. Well obviously H reads this. Thanks.

PLAY> Ok, so I flipped. As is flipped out (not as in gymnastics. I never was good at that stuff). I literally called him an f  ‘ing moron and left. I walked home. At almost 1am. In the dark. I left him there. I just could not believe it. First of all, this place is supposed to be a “safe” place for us to share (i.e. no hurting family members in case we say something in anger and because not all of it is their business even though we share it with complete strangers!). Secondly, he told her last Saturday and waited a week to tell me. He KNEW he shouldn’t have said anything. NOTHING is sacred with him. It makes me feel like crap. “Supposedly” he forgot to tell me. Thirdly, he had to wait til the one time we are having fun together to tell me? He had waited a week. What is one more hour? And last of all, he said he told her to forget it and never go here. Thankfully I trust my mother. Sadly, I do not trust my husband. He just gave me one more reason to doubt him.

When he came home he told me he had run into a friend and had to tell him I was mad. Uggh. Anyway, for the first time ever I told him I hate him, and I slept alone in bed. He slept on the couch. Until this morning when my alarm went off at 6:30. Thanks H (he had set it). For the record, I don’t really hate him. I just said it. I said it because I don’t know what to do. When I’m calm, he forgets things. When I’m angry he forgets things. When I yell he forgets things. I’m always invisible. I figured I give it one last try to get his attention. It didn’t. So, world, I do not hate my husband, but I DO hate how he makes me feel. I feel he took away my voice, and my sense of trust in him (that is a loooong story though).

So what does this have to do with the title “Saturday Sex”? Well I was sad this morning, because for the first time in along time we have no obligations other than errands and school work to do today, so we essentially have the morning to ourselves. Well, it made me sad all of a sudden when I realized that neither of us even so much as considered having “Saturday sex”. All because of the last few weeks. How much has changed! I’m sad deep in my soul today. For what was taken from me, for what is lost, and for what could be.

If I didn’t love him so much, I wouldn’t feel so terrible.

So far…(W)

5 Sep

This is a good day in marriage. So far. Today – Labor Day – has started out superbly. H made me tea in bed (p.s. he does that EVERY day) and went to walk the puppy on his own. He gave him a super long walk which frees me up to do whatever I want today since Puppy will be nice and tired. As I lounge in bed (I woke up an hour ago) I am typing this and looking out at a sunshine-y morning, listening to H bang aroudn in the kitchen making me breakfast. Right now, H is the best husband in the world.

Starting out with a 4 1/2 hour fight (W)

5 Sep


It’s now 10:06 and I finally told H (Husband) that I love him. I’ve been holding out since about 5:30 when our fight started. I’m the emotional one in this marriage. At least outwardly. Sometimes I wonder if H (Husband) ever has any real emotions, other than pride. I’m also the one who over-reacts, has “unreasonable” expectations, and can be “psycho”, although I’m never allowed to call myself a bitch, because he simply “will not allow it – it’s not true!”. Today’s fight was really a result of nothing too big of a deal. I simply expected H to make love to me this morning (we only had to be at church at 10:15). The only problem is that I didn’t tell him what I expected, and he is so sensitive to me that he usually does not initiate for fear of making me feel obligated. As a result, he often makes me believe I’m not desirable although he swears it’s not true. Anyhow, he didn’t know my expectations, and therefore – obviously – didn’t act accordingly. My feelings were bruised, but I had not processed any of that yet, so I was fairly unaware of my simmering pot of emotional turmoil.

The rest of the day was wonderful. We went to church, had a picnic in the park with my family and The Puppy (another story for another day), got ice-cream at a nearby farm that sells homemade yumminess, and came home. Now, this is the part that makes me feel sheepish (and not in a farm animal kind of way): we came home from the the park and H decided we were going to wash The Puppy. The Puppy does NOT agree with us on any occassion that we feel it is necessary to bathe him. He makes it quite clear. Bathing The Puppy is NOT my idea of a fun activity. There is always some small drama that unfolds. So I was perturbed. THEN, H decided to tackle a small handy-man project. Now both the dog bath and the handyman project were things I had been asking H to do for awhile, so I should have been happy. But I was not. All I wanted was to take a shower (the dog park was exceptionally dusty) and a nap. It’s Sunday after all. However, here we are at 5 o’clock and H makes me a cup of tea (my obsession), and wonders why I am steaming. As I write this I realize why he was so confused. He had just completed some tasks I’ve been bugging him to do, and I am mad!It may sound like I am “psycho”, as H ONCE called me in the heat of a fight. Maybe it’s true sometimes, but I don’t know how to communicate my hurt. H did so many wonderful things, but I don’t feel like a priority. None of those things were things I wanted to do today. They were things that were supposed to be done awhile ago. This is all mixed up with a couple of other problems. While I am typing this, I convinced H to get some pizza. I smell it and need to go eat.

Am I psycho?