Fear is paralysis

10 Jan

Fear can be paralyzing. My main fear is the fear of uncertainty. Fear is essentially a lack of trust. That’s all it is.

I recently watched “New Year’s Eve” (the movie) and there was a quote the struck me. I will paraphrase: If you could do one thing today and know you would not fail, what would you do? Now go out a do it.

This has me thinking as I ponder a new year and a new direction….

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Question for a Monday

9 Jan

What is stealing your joy?

Don’t let it. Your purpose today is for more than letting something steal your joy.

SO, readers; what is it that steals YOUR joy?

From H – Happy New Year – Kind of….

2 Jan

So 2012 started off very much like other days. Without getting into all the details (see W post on that) suffice it to say I am committed to a difference. I have much to work on, mainly a failure as a husband and leader. I feel like most of our issues stem from my inability to lead in our marriage. I let W charge the enemy while I’m in the back. No more, this has been destroying our marriage and affecting all aspects of our relationship. This week is my week to re-focus and re-examine our roles and re-commit to her. I will work on leading from the front and not requiring her to be forced into a role she does not like and isn’t created for. I will show her that I can change and she can start to respect and trust me. Thanks for your support and looking forward to a New Year/New Start.

Starting off 2012 with a bang

2 Jan

2012 was great…as long as we were with my family. When we came home it turned into this:

Jan 1st – night: We decided to plan a vacation for February. H gets frustrated with online “lies” (rates that advertise cheaper than they end up being). This frustrates me because I want to be excited. Go to bed.

Jan 2nd – morning: My day off. Last night I told H that I wanted to have a relaxing day – the kind where you plan what you are going to do right as you want to do it (so there is no stress of a schedule to keep.) Alas, I woke up to H beside me, reading some stupid free book that he has no interest in. H is frustrated with me because I didn’t get up early enough to have the productive day he planned. I immediately became upset and hurt because I had specifically told him yesterday that I wanted my day off to be relaxing with no schedule. AND, he had NOT communicated his desire at all, so it was totally unfair to expect me to know he wanted to have me get up early. ARG….this went downhill fast, resulting in my expressing the fact that I can’t respect someone who doesn’t listen to me, or communicate with me, and H saying he wanted to “draw a line in the sand” and “start over”. I don’t work like that. If you’ve ever heard the comparison of men are like waffles and women like spaghetti, well this is true of us. H can put things in a “box” and I have things wound up all in every aspect of my life. Can’t separate. Must resolve.

Right now H is calling places about getting our dog neutered, and I am sitting in my PJ’s with puffy eyes, from realizing that I am actually grieving a death of a dream (another piece of spaghetti) – H’s job that he has, in my opinion, not given an honest effort to.

SO this is very convoluted, and not the best way to begin 2012….but honesty is something, right?

I do have something positive to offer. I found this very cool blog: simplemom.net

She had a very cool thing to do for the new year: 20 downloadable questions to ask yourself. I’m going to do it today. You should take a gander at it if you get a chance. You can even download and print a copy of the Q’ s here.

From H

30 Dec

So W is upset with me for many things. Feels like we are constantly just waiting for the next thing to happen. We are fine now, but had a big to-do yesterday thought. I have this job where I make cold calls and try and get business. It’s 100% sales with total flexibility as far as hours, location etc. I got the job in September and have worked on and off giving it a couple hours a day some days more than others. After having no success with sales I did some research into the competition and realized that the product is just not competitive. At this point I feel like it’s a waste of time to continue. The cost for my product is over 10 times what some companies are offering… the issue between W and I is that I never gave it a 100%. I never worked an 8 hour day on this. It hurts her because I basically gave up on it and she was hoping to be able to move, not have to work, have kids sooner, get another dog etc…. she asked me in early December to give it one month of full 8 hour days. I told her no and she was very hurt by that. Not so much because of the money, but because she finds it hard to respect me when I won’t do something for her when it means so much. I felt like its a waste of time from the business side… in her defense the issue is a bit deeper. I haven’t had to ever give 100% in my life to get what I want. Everything has just worked out. So by me not giving 100% to this job which theoretically could have provided everything W wanted is hard for her to let go. She sees me as not willing to work hard for something that is important to her. She has told me she thinks I’m a hard worker but I’m not good at creating something from nothing. I kind of wait for something to come by way. I feel like she needs acknowledge that there is nothing I could do to make this sales job a success, regardless of how hard I worked. That being said I do understand why she is so upset and hurt by my lack of effort. Thoughts?

A baby changes everything

24 Dec

This is a song I can only listen to when H is out….I guess I have overplayed it in the past =) I can’t help it. It holds power. It moves me. That baby changes everything for me. That baby has made real joy possible for me; has made real hope possible for me. I can’t imagine Mary’s troubles, but I know that baby changed not only her life, but mine too. Rather than tell you about it, I just put the lyrics on here so you can read it. Or better yet, listen to it here.

A Baby Changes Everything lyrics
Songwriters: Nichols, James Timothy; Wiseman, Craig Michael; Wiseman, Kim;

Teenage girl, much too young
Unprepared for what’s to come
A baby changes everything

Not a ring on her hand
All her dreams and all her plans
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

The man she loves she’s never touched
How will she keep his trust?
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

And she cries!
Ooh, she cries
Ooh, oh

She has to leave, go far away
Heaven knows she can’t stay
A baby changes everything

She can feel it’s coming soon
There’s no place, there’s no room
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

And she cries!
And she cries!
Oh, she cries

Shepherds all gather ’round
Up above the star shines down
A baby changes everything

Choir of angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything
Everything, everything, everything

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

My whole life has turned around
I was lost but now I’m found
A baby changes everything, yeah
A baby changes everything

Out of everything

23 Dec

I am out of energy

out of tears

out of the desire to bake Christmas cookies

out of the desire to be with people

out of everything.

 

And yet,

I listen to Christmas music.

Someone once told me to keep putting truth in

even when I don’t feel or live it right now.

I barely have the energy to do my real job

let alone be a good wife

friend

sister

aunt

neighbor.

 

And yet…..truth.

I need it, so I feed it to myself.