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I did it again

27 Nov

I kicked him out…

until my family comes back from a church meeting/lunch about 2 hours away (we have house guests that are currently with my parents). I think they get back tonight.

He didn’t want to leave, but I made him, telling him I would make a scene with the neighbors if he didn’t leave. I didn’t even let him change or take any house keys. He has a wallet and a phone, is wearing sweat pants and a nice jacket. Ha.

I know it sounds harsh, and my anger came so quickly to the surface, but it has been bubbling, simmering like a pot almost at boiling point, for so long, that I guess the temperature raised just enough to bring my anger to a full on boiling point. Admittedly this happens fairly often.

I  have questions about my seemingly reressed anger. I had an idyllic childhood of note in an extremely close, loving family. I don’t recall any traunmatic incidents in my life. Where is this anger coming from? Honestly, I know that today’s “problem symptom” was the fact that I got in the car and realized that the registration information was outdated and unorganized, there was a ton of trash in MY car (it was not my trash), and then I walked into our house and realized that ( I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD AND PETTY) H had left his stinky shoes (piles of them) right where I had asked him not to. Then I noticed all the dust where it should have been cleaned only a couple days ago. It was not simply two days worth of dust. That was the start of a fight that was too long and boring to re-tell until I locked him out, called the dog over to “hold” me and cried for awhile.

The worst thing is that H said, ” I love you” and looked in my eyes, and I said some variation of, ” You’re a liar and never follow through on anything.” Now I’m praying he doesn’t die in an accident even though it was my choice to say what I did.

Here’s the thing: I know this situation seems like I am a complete psycho, because who kicks someone out over dust and a dirty car? Well, I don’t know. I’ve been struggling recently about this repressed  anger I have. H has a way of pushing my trigger buttons, but I still have this anger. I still have control and choices and I am making them and letting my anger get the better of me. Here is what scares me: children who are abused sexually often block those memories, sometimes for their whole lives, but one resulting symptom is extreme repressed anger for seemingly no reason. Another one is sexual dysfunction. I have both of those symptoms. Sad, but true. Maybe a co-incidence, but I’m terrified of going down this path, even if it ends up crossing off an item/possibilty. Either I was abused and will have to work through that, OR I was not and will have this deep anger that I have no idea how to cut out of my life.



I’m not a “to do”

26 Nov

There are several problems all connected. They are like a ball of wool. I’m trying to unravel it one string at a time, but occasionally one string pulls on another and they come out together…or only part of one strand comes out and is left in the mix, the mess, our relationship,  for a long time. 

First Strand: I am not a “to do” list item.

We have had discussions about what we need from each other. This is a smart thing to do in a relationship. If H doesn’t know what he needs from me, then how am I supposed to provide it? If I don’t know what I need from H, how is he supposed to fulfill my needs? I have asked H what he needs from me. H doesn’t know. More on this another time. Well there are TWO THINGS that I ask for: date night on Wednesday (planned by him) and a clean house one day a week (the day keeps changing, and although I do a lot of cleaning, H has been unemployed/works from home for quite some time so handles the weekly clean as part of his “job”). These things rarely get done. When they are done, they are usually not done well. This “strand” is a result of a conversation…err, fight we had earlier this week. H sees me as an item on his “to do” list. Read: not as his wife, his lover, his woman to cherish. Doing the things I need and having sex with me are items he “does to cross off my action items for the week”. I am NOT an ITEM on a “To Do” list. I am your wife. I have feelings. As long as you see me as an item, you will not be “doing” me at all. Ever.

Second Strand: Say what you mean, not what you think will get you out of trouble.

For Thanksgiving we have had a lot of people around. It has been busy. Every night we have a quick “What the plan is for tomorrow” meeting. Today there were two football games to be played (H and many of his friends). Tonight we are doing a birthday dinner for my sister at my mom’s house, since her birthday is this coming week but we’ll all be back in different places by then. H heard this all last night at the “meeting”. After the full day of football (instead of the reading and napping I really wanted to be doing), I heard H talking to the one friend of his that neither I nor my sister can really stand to be around. He was telling said friend that he was not going to make it after all to dinner tonight out at Chilis. I asked him if he thought making plans with this particular friend was a good idea considering my sister and I don’t like him, and we’d be together tonight. He dodged. I tried again. Dodged again. I finally just told him he has a problem just telling people the truth. He didn’t want to say no, so he added more work by having to have another few texts and a phone conversation to tell his friend that it wasn’t going to work. In the midst of all that, he interrupted me to say that for all he knew the girls were doing a girls’ night out. Seriously? WTF! He KNEW we weren’t from our “meeting” last night. Don’t just say what you think will get you out of trouble. That makes me MORE angry.

Third Strand: Listen just for a minute at least!

During our fight, H interrupted me. When I pointed that out, he denied it, saying, “I thought you were done”. Problem is that I was literally in the middle of a sentence – not even a pause! Just by stating that, he incriminated himself. On top of that, he also was texting while “listening” to me. THEN he had the audacity to tell me that he’d rather I not ask questions, but say what I mean. Last time (in a fight over a dirty house) I came out and said what I meant, he told me to ask questions and give him a chance to defend himself so we would be on the same page. Again, WTF?  And then forgetting plans for the evening…listening would make me feel like I exist, and like there is an actual marriage here.

Fourth Strand: Do you even want resolution?

H is frequently telling me that he thinks I like fighting and that I don’t actually want a resolution. Meanwhile, he doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t remember as a result of not listening, doesn’t follow through on the TWO things he is supposed to do, and then says what he THINKS will get him out of trouble. When H provides excuses for this actions that make me upset, he is avoiding confrontation, and therefore eliminating the chance of any kind of resolution. Just tell the fucking truth and it may get messy, but at least it will be truth instead of teh stress of determining the difference between truth and lies.

As I’m writing this, which is only about 15 minutes after our fight, H has 3 friends in the living room watching the Michigan vs. Ohio State game that he DVR’d today. Seriously? He literally JUST called them to come over. Who is actually the one avoiding resolution?

P.S. Readers, I actually do love my husband, but right now I don’t like him. At all.


Why don’t you want me?(W)

4 Nov

It’s very scary to put this all out on the internet…so bear with me as I approach this very personal topic:

Our sex life has always been complicated, but lately frequency is low… I’m sure it’s more than some couples, but it is infrequent. Like once every two weeks now. If we’re lucky. It is a very complicated issue with many facets that have and have yet to be explored.

One of the main things I hate about our marriage is our sex life. That sounds terrible because it basically is a terrible thing to admit. H is a good lover but I often feel like he doesn’t want me. He has initiated sex like twice. Ever.  H is constantly being sensitive to me, and assuming I’m tired or in pain, and doesn’t want me to feel pressured. How sweet that he is thinking of you you say? No!!!!!! It is not sweet. INTENTIONS DON’T COUNT. As a result of his “sweetness” and selfless thoughts,  he never initiates because he always thinks I am tired or in pain, and he has convinced himself that he has a low sex drive. Lies! He does not… he has CONVINCED himself that he has a low sex drive as a way to cope with the situation. (No, I am not a psychologist).  Anyhow, he is constantly saying things to me about wanting sex or finding me attractive, but never asks for it. Once again, decisions are left with me. Of course. I have to make every decision. As a matter of fact, recently he said to me, ” I want you to find some way to release stress, and I know we never have sex because of your pain.” I was livid. L.I.V.I.D. My pain is occasionally to blame for us not having sex – but I mean occasionally. Like I’m sure every other couple has the occasional headache or gets sick etc. I do have chronic pain, but not the kind that affects our sex life. That is just H’s excuse for not initiating.

When he doesn’t initiate I feel unwanted. And that really sucks. It is a big hit to my self-esteem, my confidence, and my overall happiness in our marriage and in my life. It brings me back to feelings of mistrust and “not good enough” from my past, and our past…
Other factors that have, or do, affect our sex life (read: too many to discuss now, but will come later): pornography, trust, pride, confidence, orgasms.
There are some things that are supposed to be between a man and his wife, and their sexual intimacy loses something when it is shared with someone else, but there are aspects of sex that NEED to be discussed. It is normal, but I have felt so alone because I don’t ever hear anyone else talk about problems they have in this area. I just want H to want me. In a way I can feel it.

Weekender (W)

16 Oct

So the no sex thing…..This weekend started out with me doing school work until 12:20pm. The rest of the weekend was fun, but we were either arguing or with other people the ENTIRE time until about 8pm Sunday night, and I’ve been doing school work again until now.

Pretty much either H or I have commitments every single night of the week, and I always have school work to grade or plan. We never seem to have any alone time. And between my bad sleep patterns (because of my pain and loud neighbors), and being so busy, there is never any time to be together long enough so that I feel connected and “into” having sex.

So it’s not that I don’t want to have sex with H. It’ s mainly that I am so tired all the time, and H does not make it easy. It’s like he is so sensitive to me that he doesn’t make the decisions, which leaves me with more “work” in the form of decisions. I need to feel connected, and without time, I can’t feel connected.

In general, I do not think it is healthy for me to share all the intimate details of my marriage with people we know, because mostly it’s none of  their business. However, I have learned that the times I feel the most alone is when I feel like no-one else has ever gone through what I’m going through (whether it is something serious or silly). I only wish that I had someone who could tell me, “Hey, I’ve been there…I’ve felt that…You are not the only one going through this…”. My hope is that my struggles will have at least one purpose: to let someone else know they are not alone.

Question for readers

14 Oct

So no sex this week. Week has been pretty good between the two of us. She just has been super busy, stressed and tired. I totally get it, no problems. I do want it but I can wait. Question how do you communicate you want sex without making her feel like she needs to do it. I want her to know I desire her but I also want her to be able to go to bed early without making her stay up for me. Thoughts?