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I really needed this

15 Jan

I stumbled upon this and I have not been able to get it out of my mind since I found it….I have always felt guilty, and not good enough. In my relationship with H and in my relationship with God. But I am trying to distinguish between the lies and the truth in my life, about me; about my value as a person.

Check it out: The Essence of Grace

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Abandoned

14 Jan

So H is off on an annual skiing tip. He left Thursday and will be back monday. I have the dog (who’s is still recovering from his surgery) and all my work to do. I do have a day off on Monday, and I feel kind of conflicted. Ever feel that way? I KNOW H loves skiing, and since I don’t, this is his one trip a year that he gets to go skiing, so I am happy for him. BUT it is also my long weekend, where we could have had some quality time together. We REALLY need that. I feel like he left me. There was no discussion; it was simply, “I’m going away from Thursday through Monday to go skiing with the guys.” 

So here I am feeling abandoned, yet slightly guilty that I feel abandoned. I’m not quite sure how to get “past” this bothersome bump.

I’m not a “to do”

26 Nov

There are several problems all connected. They are like a ball of wool. I’m trying to unravel it one string at a time, but occasionally one string pulls on another and they come out together…or only part of one strand comes out and is left in the mix, the mess, our relationship,  for a long time. 

First Strand: I am not a “to do” list item.

We have had discussions about what we need from each other. This is a smart thing to do in a relationship. If H doesn’t know what he needs from me, then how am I supposed to provide it? If I don’t know what I need from H, how is he supposed to fulfill my needs? I have asked H what he needs from me. H doesn’t know. More on this another time. Well there are TWO THINGS that I ask for: date night on Wednesday (planned by him) and a clean house one day a week (the day keeps changing, and although I do a lot of cleaning, H has been unemployed/works from home for quite some time so handles the weekly clean as part of his “job”). These things rarely get done. When they are done, they are usually not done well. This “strand” is a result of a conversation…err, fight we had earlier this week. H sees me as an item on his “to do” list. Read: not as his wife, his lover, his woman to cherish. Doing the things I need and having sex with me are items he “does to cross off my action items for the week”. I am NOT an ITEM on a “To Do” list. I am your wife. I have feelings. As long as you see me as an item, you will not be “doing” me at all. Ever.

Second Strand: Say what you mean, not what you think will get you out of trouble.

For Thanksgiving we have had a lot of people around. It has been busy. Every night we have a quick “What the plan is for tomorrow” meeting. Today there were two football games to be played (H and many of his friends). Tonight we are doing a birthday dinner for my sister at my mom’s house, since her birthday is this coming week but we’ll all be back in different places by then. H heard this all last night at the “meeting”. After the full day of football (instead of the reading and napping I really wanted to be doing), I heard H talking to the one friend of his that neither I nor my sister can really stand to be around. He was telling said friend that he was not going to make it after all to dinner tonight out at Chilis. I asked him if he thought making plans with this particular friend was a good idea considering my sister and I don’t like him, and we’d be together tonight. He dodged. I tried again. Dodged again. I finally just told him he has a problem just telling people the truth. He didn’t want to say no, so he added more work by having to have another few texts and a phone conversation to tell his friend that it wasn’t going to work. In the midst of all that, he interrupted me to say that for all he knew the girls were doing a girls’ night out. Seriously? WTF! He KNEW we weren’t from our “meeting” last night. Don’t just say what you think will get you out of trouble. That makes me MORE angry.

Third Strand: Listen just for a minute at least!

During our fight, H interrupted me. When I pointed that out, he denied it, saying, “I thought you were done”. Problem is that I was literally in the middle of a sentence – not even a pause! Just by stating that, he incriminated himself. On top of that, he also was texting while “listening” to me. THEN he had the audacity to tell me that he’d rather I not ask questions, but say what I mean. Last time (in a fight over a dirty house) I came out and said what I meant, he told me to ask questions and give him a chance to defend himself so we would be on the same page. Again, WTF?  And then forgetting plans for the evening…listening would make me feel like I exist, and like there is an actual marriage here.

Fourth Strand: Do you even want resolution?

H is frequently telling me that he thinks I like fighting and that I don’t actually want a resolution. Meanwhile, he doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t remember as a result of not listening, doesn’t follow through on the TWO things he is supposed to do, and then says what he THINKS will get him out of trouble. When H provides excuses for this actions that make me upset, he is avoiding confrontation, and therefore eliminating the chance of any kind of resolution. Just tell the fucking truth and it may get messy, but at least it will be truth instead of teh stress of determining the difference between truth and lies.

As I’m writing this, which is only about 15 minutes after our fight, H has 3 friends in the living room watching the Michigan vs. Ohio State game that he DVR’d today. Seriously? He literally JUST called them to come over. Who is actually the one avoiding resolution?

P.S. Readers, I actually do love my husband, but right now I don’t like him. At all.

 

I shouldn’t be doing this… (W)

8 Nov

I shouldn’t be teaching Bible verses to the kids in Sunday School.

I shouldn’t be telling my little sister to be kind to people who make her mad.

I shouldn’t be giving any marriage advice.

I shouldn’t be telling kids in school not to curse.

I shouldn’t be singing in the worship team at church on Sunday mornings.

I shouldn’t be, but I am.

The more I think, the more I know those feelings of being not good enough are lies from the pit of hell. I FEEL like I shouldn’t be telling people these things, or doing these things because I am not able to do always do them myself.

The truth is I am a sinner.

The truth is I need God.

The truth is no-one (read: I ) can do it alone.

We were made to be in community and we die if we are alone. That is why so many lonely people are depressed.

Someone once told me that anything held in secret is held in shame. That does NOT mean you have to tell the whole world your secrets (although in this case I kind of am!), but it means in order to be free of guilt or shame, whether it is legitimate or put on yourself unfairly, you HAVE to tell someone.

I am a real person. I FEEL I shouldn’t be singing in church or teaching bible verses, or giving advice because I fail in so many areas and in so many areas I am NOT a good role model. But the truth is, there are many ways I AM a good role model. And a truly good role model protects the innocent from things that may hinder their growth, but allows them to see the world and people as many faceted and imperfect. Who will ever realize they are worthy of God’s love and help  if they see everyone else around them living perfectly? They will  feel not good enough.I am a good role model when I can show people and kids that no-one is perfect, and that is WHY we need God.

If people are real and open and honest more, we would have a lot less people feeling alone in their particular area of suffering or personal battle within whether it be hypocrisy, insecurity, addiction, fear, whatever…

Why don’t you want me?(W)

4 Nov

It’s very scary to put this all out on the internet…so bear with me as I approach this very personal topic:

Our sex life has always been complicated, but lately frequency is low… I’m sure it’s more than some couples, but it is infrequent. Like once every two weeks now. If we’re lucky. It is a very complicated issue with many facets that have and have yet to be explored.

One of the main things I hate about our marriage is our sex life. That sounds terrible because it basically is a terrible thing to admit. H is a good lover but I often feel like he doesn’t want me. He has initiated sex like twice. Ever.  H is constantly being sensitive to me, and assuming I’m tired or in pain, and doesn’t want me to feel pressured. How sweet that he is thinking of you you say? No!!!!!! It is not sweet. INTENTIONS DON’T COUNT. As a result of his “sweetness” and selfless thoughts,  he never initiates because he always thinks I am tired or in pain, and he has convinced himself that he has a low sex drive. Lies! He does not… he has CONVINCED himself that he has a low sex drive as a way to cope with the situation. (No, I am not a psychologist).  Anyhow, he is constantly saying things to me about wanting sex or finding me attractive, but never asks for it. Once again, decisions are left with me. Of course. I have to make every decision. As a matter of fact, recently he said to me, ” I want you to find some way to release stress, and I know we never have sex because of your pain.” I was livid. L.I.V.I.D. My pain is occasionally to blame for us not having sex – but I mean occasionally. Like I’m sure every other couple has the occasional headache or gets sick etc. I do have chronic pain, but not the kind that affects our sex life. That is just H’s excuse for not initiating.

When he doesn’t initiate I feel unwanted. And that really sucks. It is a big hit to my self-esteem, my confidence, and my overall happiness in our marriage and in my life. It brings me back to feelings of mistrust and “not good enough” from my past, and our past…
Other factors that have, or do, affect our sex life (read: too many to discuss now, but will come later): pornography, trust, pride, confidence, orgasms.
There are some things that are supposed to be between a man and his wife, and their sexual intimacy loses something when it is shared with someone else, but there are aspects of sex that NEED to be discussed. It is normal, but I have felt so alone because I don’t ever hear anyone else talk about problems they have in this area. I just want H to want me. In a way I can feel it.