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Out of everything

23 Dec

I am out of energy

out of tears

out of the desire to bake Christmas cookies

out of the desire to be with people

out of everything.

 

And yet,

I listen to Christmas music.

Someone once told me to keep putting truth in

even when I don’t feel or live it right now.

I barely have the energy to do my real job

let alone be a good wife

friend

sister

aunt

neighbor.

 

And yet…..truth.

I need it, so I feed it to myself.

 

Invisible.

22 Dec

The same issues keep coming up.

Over and Over

I try to break through,

but he cuts me off,

he assumes he knows what I am going to say.

So instead of letting me say what is on my mind,

he pretends I am not there.

He won’t let me speak.

I told him I’d rather be punched in the face in the middle of the mall,

be humiliated in that way,

rather than be unseen;

invisible.

I’ve tried talking

praying

hoping

whispering

writing it down

crying

screaming curse words at the top of my lungs.

Nothing makes me seen.

If he hit me, at least I’d be

real.

For W from H

6 Nov

I am love

I keep you close when its cold

when the world is so unfriendly

its shoulder, cold and distant

I am here

I never leave

I am constant

I feel, hear, listen, remember, care, perfectly and completely

I exist in spite of everything

Those tears, fears and cares, let them go

Send them to me, I’ll handle it

Don’t worry, I got it

When all is crashing down, I stand firm

Your bulwark in the storm

The tides of life can’t wear me down

I change, only by getting closer to you

Closer, yet deeper and wider with each passing moment

When it’s hard to keep on, I’ll be there

Lean on me, go ahead I’m strong

I can take it, your bruises and rough spots

Give them to me

Let me hold you

Put your head here, you can hear my love

It’s beating slowly, firmly and constantly

It beats for you, only you

Day after day, despite the surroundings it beats

A drum that can’t be silenced

A rhythm that none can claim, but you

Hey you, pretty lady

It’s you, that’s what has created me, love

I am love xo