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Mother In Law – ARGH!

5 Nov

I know all the jokes about mother in laws. My MIL is the reason for these jokes infortunately. I REALLY wish this was not the case. I have even been in counseling over some of the issues. You can read some of the drama here. This is  just  a catharsis to write this down, because I know in the grand scheme of things this does NOT matter.

Since our relationship is not great, I take great pains to initiate time together with my MIL. I live in NJ, she lives in CT. It is a 3 hour drive between houses. She routinely takes the family to VT (3 hours from their house), but somehow always manages to never make it to NJ because “it is too far”. Almost any time we spend together is when H and I drive to CT.

Anyhow, I decided that despite it being the end of the marking period, and despite the mountain of essays and projects I have to grade this weekend, I would invite my MIL and family to meet in NY state near H’s uncle’s house to go hiking for the afternoon. We could do something active in the good weather, and spend time together. She took it upon herself to un-invite extended family (from MY hike invitation!). So we are 5 minutes away from family, that I invited to the hike, and she UNINVITED them! I re-invited them and a heated telephone conversation ensued between H and her. (I will spare you some of the more mundane details of other “issues” she had over a stupid hike (read: timing switching, being mad we invited my sister and her other grown son) ) Because she is so controlling, after all this happening she called back to tell us that the hiking spot we picked was “too complicated to get to” so she picked a different spot.

I am angry. I will and need to get over it, but just had to get it out. I’m sorry to be “that” person today with my complaints. I know I am supposed to do all things without complaining, but I just am so human today.I am in tears because I try so hard to make things better, and I feel like she takes over and tries to control everything. She adds to much stress to my life.

Anyone else ever experience anything similar or have any advice?


The Unforgiveable (W)

4 Oct

I hesitate to write this for two reasons:

1. People that know me personally (namely those I write about) will one day find out and read this, and I’m not sure it’s going to be okay.

2. Any of you who read this will know some true things about myself that I would rather keep under wraps.

hmmm….. (that was my pause – but I am fairly impulsive at times, and so my “pause” was short)

My Mother-In-Law (MIL) and I do not have what you call a close relationship. Now I know all the jokes, and I know that this is true for MANY of you out there. But hear me out… I MAY be able to cause some slackening of your jaws with some of my tales. For you to understand even more of why it hurts for things to be this way, I have to tell you two things: I grew up knowing that my future MIL was going to be wonderful, and we were going to be close. Growing up there was a boy that I always thought I was going to marry, and I loved his mom. And secondly,  my own mother is so warm and  accepting and has loved H since before she met him. No joke. So these two facts combined make it really hard for me to accept things the way they actually turned out for me with my MIL.

When H and I fell in love, future MIL was not excited. She did not know me, and so I figured I would spend more time in her area of the country for a summer so she could get to know me. Bad decision. Not only did I literally cry every day, but I was depressed for the first time in my life, and was put in some very awkward situations. First I was told that  I should spend as much time as possible at the house, then I was informed they needed space and family time. Then I was also told that I was pushing her son into something she didn’t think he was ready for. THEN, we had a meeting with me, H, MIL to be and FIL (father in law – to be), where in tears and being generally non-confrontational, I had the guts to tell her that I felt very unaccepted by her in general. Her reply? “You can’t prove that!”

I bravely continued (despite the fact that yo can’t prove feelings to begin with – but you certainly CAN validate them – or not!) by explaining that I was trying very hard to understand how hard it must be to go through change with your kids lives etc. She accused me of putting her in a box because I didn’t know her. Then she told me I was nothing but a “talking head” and “fake” all because I would not be vulnerable with her. And then she said you can’t love a talking head because they are not real. Slap! I felt that one. Who opens up to someone that they KNOW does not like them? Apparently not me.

I don’t want to bore you with too many details, but here is the short list of other things:

  •  MIL did not utter a single word to me when we got engaged. She never once asked to see my ring. We got engaged in October. I didn’t even see her in person until Christmas – and not because she lives far away.
  • MIL said to my face,” I don’t want to hear about colors and flowers…it’s not my thing” (in reference to the wedding.)
  • MIL did not utter a single word to me on my wedding day. Not a SINGLE WORD! On the day that I am symbolically coming into her family. I though that being her son’s love would be enough to warrant a simple, “Congratulations!”.
  • MIL planned a party for after our wedding and left early, before we did, without obviously saying goodbye.
  • I got food poisoning from the rehearsal dinner and missed my entire reception. No joke. Did she so much as send a message to me? No.
  • MIL asked me to keep a list of how many times I had come to visit her. For real.
  • MIL had to be bribed to come to a birthday party by being told her siblings were already coming, in order to come visit us once.
  • When I finally had the guts to tell her how much she hurt me on my wedding day (I was in tears in an Olive Garden), she flat out denied it and didn’t so much as offer a cursory “sorry” mumbled under he breath – nothing!
  • When someone complimented me and said I was beautiful at a wedding we all went to, MIL turned to me and asked:” wow. I am insulted for you that she would say that to you like it is the only thing valuable about you.” I do not get that response at all…she was complimenting me. MIL couldn’t stand it!
  • MIL has returned gifts to me saying they are “not my thing”. After she cut the tag off. A gift is a gift…if it doesn’t fit I get it, or if you’re close I get asking to exchange it. But what she did was plain rude.
  • The list could go on….but I’m stopping here for today.

I titled this “Unforgiveable” because for a long time I did not forgive her. It hurt me, it hurt my marriage, it just sucked. I finally forgave her, despite the lack of apology. My main reason was because I have to see her several times a year. She does not make it pleasant, and the worst part is that she truly thinks things are okay now! ha. Also, I realized I did not want to be a bitter person. I didn’t want that to hold me back. And, God calls us to be forgiving. So here I am sharing/venting it to the world. I still blame her for making me so miserable, and for being mean, but I KNOW that I have it so much better than sooooo many people, so readers, please forgive my complaints if you are going through something terrible.

I’ve heard it said that sometimes you have a terrible wound, but sometimes you just have a goose that keeps pecking you in the same spot day after day, and it still is extrememyl uncomfortable. I have a goose!