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I really needed this

15 Jan

I stumbled upon this and I have not been able to get it out of my mind since I found it….I have always felt guilty, and not good enough. In my relationship with H and in my relationship with God. But I am trying to distinguish between the lies and the truth in my life, about me; about my value as a person.

Check it out: The Essence of Grace

From H

29 Nov

Its been a while since I have written anything. Things are up and down with us. I love her and she loves me, I do know that. Sunday was one of the worst days so far…I want to try and work things out and she just seems to get more and more upset. It’s amazing how different we are with certain things.

I have started a new thing in an attempt to follow through on things which I tell her I will do. I write down in a notebook before I go to bed what I will do realistically the next day. I reference that notebook throughout the day and cross off things as I do it. Keeps me accountable and helps her manage her expectations. So far so good. I’ll keep you posted regarding this notebook. I feel like alot of our issues relate back to my not following through and thus her feeling unimportant and all that goes with that. We shall see. Thanks for reading. It helps to have a place to vent and know someone else is engaging with us.

I shouldn’t be doing this… (W)

8 Nov

I shouldn’t be teaching Bible verses to the kids in Sunday School.

I shouldn’t be telling my little sister to be kind to people who make her mad.

I shouldn’t be giving any marriage advice.

I shouldn’t be telling kids in school not to curse.

I shouldn’t be singing in the worship team at church on Sunday mornings.

I shouldn’t be, but I am.

The more I think, the more I know those feelings of being not good enough are lies from the pit of hell. I FEEL like I shouldn’t be telling people these things, or doing these things because I am not able to do always do them myself.

The truth is I am a sinner.

The truth is I need God.

The truth is no-one (read: I ) can do it alone.

We were made to be in community and we die if we are alone. That is why so many lonely people are depressed.

Someone once told me that anything held in secret is held in shame. That does NOT mean you have to tell the whole world your secrets (although in this case I kind of am!), but it means in order to be free of guilt or shame, whether it is legitimate or put on yourself unfairly, you HAVE to tell someone.

I am a real person. I FEEL I shouldn’t be singing in church or teaching bible verses, or giving advice because I fail in so many areas and in so many areas I am NOT a good role model. But the truth is, there are many ways I AM a good role model. And a truly good role model protects the innocent from things that may hinder their growth, but allows them to see the world and people as many faceted and imperfect. Who will ever realize they are worthy of God’s love and help  if they see everyone else around them living perfectly? They will  feel not good enough.I am a good role model when I can show people and kids that no-one is perfect, and that is WHY we need God.

If people are real and open and honest more, we would have a lot less people feeling alone in their particular area of suffering or personal battle within whether it be hypocrisy, insecurity, addiction, fear, whatever…

Why don’t you want me?(W)

4 Nov

It’s very scary to put this all out on the internet…so bear with me as I approach this very personal topic:

Our sex life has always been complicated, but lately frequency is low… I’m sure it’s more than some couples, but it is infrequent. Like once every two weeks now. If we’re lucky. It is a very complicated issue with many facets that have and have yet to be explored.

One of the main things I hate about our marriage is our sex life. That sounds terrible because it basically is a terrible thing to admit. H is a good lover but I often feel like he doesn’t want me. He has initiated sex like twice. Ever.  H is constantly being sensitive to me, and assuming I’m tired or in pain, and doesn’t want me to feel pressured. How sweet that he is thinking of you you say? No!!!!!! It is not sweet. INTENTIONS DON’T COUNT. As a result of his “sweetness” and selfless thoughts,  he never initiates because he always thinks I am tired or in pain, and he has convinced himself that he has a low sex drive. Lies! He does not… he has CONVINCED himself that he has a low sex drive as a way to cope with the situation. (No, I am not a psychologist).  Anyhow, he is constantly saying things to me about wanting sex or finding me attractive, but never asks for it. Once again, decisions are left with me. Of course. I have to make every decision. As a matter of fact, recently he said to me, ” I want you to find some way to release stress, and I know we never have sex because of your pain.” I was livid. L.I.V.I.D. My pain is occasionally to blame for us not having sex – but I mean occasionally. Like I’m sure every other couple has the occasional headache or gets sick etc. I do have chronic pain, but not the kind that affects our sex life. That is just H’s excuse for not initiating.

When he doesn’t initiate I feel unwanted. And that really sucks. It is a big hit to my self-esteem, my confidence, and my overall happiness in our marriage and in my life. It brings me back to feelings of mistrust and “not good enough” from my past, and our past…
Other factors that have, or do, affect our sex life (read: too many to discuss now, but will come later): pornography, trust, pride, confidence, orgasms.
There are some things that are supposed to be between a man and his wife, and their sexual intimacy loses something when it is shared with someone else, but there are aspects of sex that NEED to be discussed. It is normal, but I have felt so alone because I don’t ever hear anyone else talk about problems they have in this area. I just want H to want me. In a way I can feel it.