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His Parting Words

5 Feb

H walked out today again. As in he left. And as he walked down the stairs, instead of the reminiscent, “You’re a psycho,” he simply said, “You need to see someone.” I guess he wasn’t in a sentimental mood since he chose a new parting phrase.

As a matter of fact, I did find “someone” to talk to, and went on my own at first, and then brought H too. The sessions went for several months and helped a bit.

Tension has been high. I have been working steady 12 hours days for several weeks in a row, and we have been traveling for family stuff on weekends.We have not had sex in about 2 months….maybe longer. H has been “satisfied”, but WE have not had sex in forever. There is never enough time, never enough intimacy, never enough romance, never enough trust and transparency (and never anyone but me expected to initiate either).

I listened to a podcast where they said sex should never be about duty; only desire or decision. Well honestly, it is hard to DECIDE to be intimate with a person who you are angry with. And I certainly don’t desire being used by a man who I can’t respect.

We are close to 2 years with H being unemployed. He does a lot around the house, and he does odd jobs, and he does not know what he wants to do. BUT. I am mad. He literally has not tried to find a job. And I have been working my ass off to support us. I admit, I do think it would be helpful for me to “see someone” to talk things out. I have issues that need talking out. BUT, at least I have enough stress in my life to warrant a reason for needing to talk to someone. He simply has day after day after day off, and I still somehow end up being the one he wants making all the decisions. I HATE making decisions for us alone. He hates taking blame for anything. This is a combination that is literally driving us apart, and driving me insane. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. The problem is that if I’m not the man, then we have no relationship left at all.

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I really needed this

15 Jan

I stumbled upon this and I have not been able to get it out of my mind since I found it….I have always felt guilty, and not good enough. In my relationship with H and in my relationship with God. But I am trying to distinguish between the lies and the truth in my life, about me; about my value as a person.

Check it out: The Essence of Grace

Is it wrong?

14 Jan

Post # 2 in one day? It is only because I have time for once….well sort of.

Is it wrong that I am growing more and more annoyed that I am the one sick at home, doing my work and taking care of the dog, while H goes skiing and has fun, and I am also the only one paying the bills around here?

Invisible.

22 Dec

The same issues keep coming up.

Over and Over

I try to break through,

but he cuts me off,

he assumes he knows what I am going to say.

So instead of letting me say what is on my mind,

he pretends I am not there.

He won’t let me speak.

I told him I’d rather be punched in the face in the middle of the mall,

be humiliated in that way,

rather than be unseen;

invisible.

I’ve tried talking

praying

hoping

whispering

writing it down

crying

screaming curse words at the top of my lungs.

Nothing makes me seen.

If he hit me, at least I’d be

real.

Nightmare at Christmas

12 Dec

I feel like I am living in a nightmare. Now, to be fair, there are MANY things in my life that are dream-like (my family, my level of comfort, my warm home etc.). But my relationship….well it’s fairly hellish right now. We barely talk. The most conversation we have is in the car on the way to the next event, or when we are with other people. I leave lists, send texts, call reminders in to H. He continues to do whatever it is he does all day.

I left at 7:45 this morning. I walked back in the house at 9:05. I’m exhausted. I have about 4 hours of school work to do tonight, and tomorrow night I won’t be home until 8:30 p.m. and have more work to do. I’m constantly behind, and now I am tutoring 5 times a week in addition to my job, extra-curricular activity and regular take home work. I’m about to blow. And you know what H said to me? He said, “what happened tonight that made you get angry so fast?”

HA! well tonight…nothing really. It’s simply life that makes me angry right now. More specifically my marriage.

From H

29 Nov

Its been a while since I have written anything. Things are up and down with us. I love her and she loves me, I do know that. Sunday was one of the worst days so far…I want to try and work things out and she just seems to get more and more upset. It’s amazing how different we are with certain things.

I have started a new thing in an attempt to follow through on things which I tell her I will do. I write down in a notebook before I go to bed what I will do realistically the next day. I reference that notebook throughout the day and cross off things as I do it. Keeps me accountable and helps her manage her expectations. So far so good. I’ll keep you posted regarding this notebook. I feel like alot of our issues relate back to my not following through and thus her feeling unimportant and all that goes with that. We shall see. Thanks for reading. It helps to have a place to vent and know someone else is engaging with us.

I did it again

27 Nov

I kicked him out…

until my family comes back from a church meeting/lunch about 2 hours away (we have house guests that are currently with my parents). I think they get back tonight.

He didn’t want to leave, but I made him, telling him I would make a scene with the neighbors if he didn’t leave. I didn’t even let him change or take any house keys. He has a wallet and a phone, is wearing sweat pants and a nice jacket. Ha.

I know it sounds harsh, and my anger came so quickly to the surface, but it has been bubbling, simmering like a pot almost at boiling point, for so long, that I guess the temperature raised just enough to bring my anger to a full on boiling point. Admittedly this happens fairly often.

IĀ  have questions about my seemingly reressed anger. I had an idyllic childhood of note in an extremely close, loving family. I don’t recall any traunmatic incidents in my life. Where is this anger coming from? Honestly, I know that today’s “problem symptom” was the fact that I got in the car and realized that the registration information was outdated and unorganized, there was a ton of trash in MY car (it was not my trash), and then I walked into our house and realized that ( I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD AND PETTY) H had left his stinky shoes (piles of them) right where I had asked him not to. Then I noticed all the dust where it should have been cleaned only a couple days ago. It was not simply two days worth of dust. That was the start of a fight that was too long and boring to re-tell until I locked him out, called the dog over to “hold” me and cried for awhile.

The worst thing is that H said, ” I love you” and looked in my eyes, and I said some variation of, ” You’re a liar and never follow through on anything.” Now I’m praying he doesn’t die in an accident even though it was my choice to say what I did.

Here’s the thing: I know this situation seems like I am a complete psycho, because who kicks someone out over dust and a dirty car? Well, I don’t know. I’ve been struggling recently about this repressedĀ  anger I have. H has a way of pushing my trigger buttons, but I still have this anger. I still have control and choices and I am making them and letting my anger get the better of me. Here is what scares me: children who are abused sexually often block those memories, sometimes for their whole lives, but one resulting symptom is extreme repressed anger for seemingly no reason. Another one is sexual dysfunction. I have both of those symptoms. Sad, but true. Maybe a co-incidence, but I’m terrified of going down this path, even if it ends up crossing off an item/possibilty. Either I was abused and will have to work through that, OR I was not and will have this deep anger that I have no idea how to cut out of my life.

Help!