Archive | December, 2011

From H

30 Dec

So W is upset with me for many things. Feels like we are constantly just waiting for the next thing to happen. We are fine now, but had a big to-do yesterday thought. I have this job where I make cold calls and try and get business. It’s 100% sales with total flexibility as far as hours, location etc. I got the job in September and have worked on and off giving it a couple hours a day some days more than others. After having no success with sales I did some research into the competition and realized that the product is just not competitive. At this point I feel like it’s a waste of time to continue. The cost for my product is over 10 times what some companies are offering… the issue between W and I is that I never gave it a 100%. I never worked an 8 hour day on this. It hurts her because I basically gave up on it and she was hoping to be able to move, not have to work, have kids sooner, get another dog etc…. she asked me in early December to give it one month of full 8 hour days. I told her no and she was very hurt by that. Not so much because of the money, but because she finds it hard to respect me when I won’t do something for her when it means so much. I felt like its a waste of time from the business side… in her defense the issue is a bit deeper. I haven’t had to ever give 100% in my life to get what I want. Everything has just worked out. So by me not giving 100% to this job which theoretically could have provided everything W wanted is hard for her to let go. She sees me as not willing to work hard for something that is important to her. She has told me she thinks I’m a hard worker but I’m not good at creating something from nothing. I kind of wait for something to come by way. I feel like she needs acknowledge that there is nothing I could do to make this sales job a success, regardless of how hard I worked. That being said I do understand why she is so upset and hurt by my lack of effort. Thoughts?

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A baby changes everything

24 Dec

This is a song I can only listen to when H is out….I guess I have overplayed it in the past =) I can’t help it. It holds power. It moves me. That baby changes everything for me. That baby has made real joy possible for me; has made real hope possible for me. I can’t imagine Mary’s troubles, but I know that baby changed not only her life, but mine too. Rather than tell you about it, I just put the lyrics on here so you can read it. Or better yet, listen to it here.

A Baby Changes Everything lyrics
Songwriters: Nichols, James Timothy; Wiseman, Craig Michael; Wiseman, Kim;

Teenage girl, much too young
Unprepared for what’s to come
A baby changes everything

Not a ring on her hand
All her dreams and all her plans
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

The man she loves she’s never touched
How will she keep his trust?
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

And she cries!
Ooh, she cries
Ooh, oh

She has to leave, go far away
Heaven knows she can’t stay
A baby changes everything

She can feel it’s coming soon
There’s no place, there’s no room
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

And she cries!
And she cries!
Oh, she cries

Shepherds all gather ’round
Up above the star shines down
A baby changes everything

Choir of angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything
Everything, everything, everything

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

My whole life has turned around
I was lost but now I’m found
A baby changes everything, yeah
A baby changes everything

Out of everything

23 Dec

I am out of energy

out of tears

out of the desire to bake Christmas cookies

out of the desire to be with people

out of everything.

 

And yet,

I listen to Christmas music.

Someone once told me to keep putting truth in

even when I don’t feel or live it right now.

I barely have the energy to do my real job

let alone be a good wife

friend

sister

aunt

neighbor.

 

And yet…..truth.

I need it, so I feed it to myself.

 

Invisible.

22 Dec

The same issues keep coming up.

Over and Over

I try to break through,

but he cuts me off,

he assumes he knows what I am going to say.

So instead of letting me say what is on my mind,

he pretends I am not there.

He won’t let me speak.

I told him I’d rather be punched in the face in the middle of the mall,

be humiliated in that way,

rather than be unseen;

invisible.

I’ve tried talking

praying

hoping

whispering

writing it down

crying

screaming curse words at the top of my lungs.

Nothing makes me seen.

If he hit me, at least I’d be

real.

Who knew being sick could be a good thing?

21 Dec

I’m home sick. I think it is a result of literally sleeping no more than 6 hours per night for the last two weeks because of the crazy amount of things I am committed to doing, namely: work (with exactly 100 middle-schoolers every day); after school club I advise; tutoring 5 students; Christmas shopping; family gatherings and weekly acupuncture appointment that typically takes 3 hours. Notice I did not include things I WISH were in my list of business: baking, walking my dog, keeping up with my daily advent readings,exercising and wrapping gifts.

I LOVE Christmas. It is really “the most wonderful time of the year” for me. I realize it is not for many people, but for me it always has been. This is the first year in my 29 years of life that I have not made cookies and wrapped my gifts. It is December 21st and I am still feeling like it is not Christmas season yet. I am too busy. I’ve had a few cookies – at my mom’s. I’ve been out of touch, and my perspective has been so selfish. I would like to think that I have a good reason for this, that I was literally too tired to be patient, to be calm, to be loving and look beyond my to do list. I would LIKE to think that. But I can’t. It’s just an excuse. I read somewhere that excuses are the nails that build the “house of failure”.

Well today I was too sick to go to work. I went to the doctor instead. I have been home. I have been too sick to clean, to wrap, to bake. But I slept. I cuddled with my dog. I watched stupid t.v. shows. I just woke up to my dog sprawled on the living room floor, a candle lit, and a house that is quiet except for Faith Hill’s voice softly singing Christmas songs. And I am breathing slowly and enjoying the moments of the day.

I needed this. I needed to be sick in order to give me some perspective. To remind me that the important things in life are not the things I have been thinking are so important. Reading over some of my last posts make me sad. Sad that I have spent so much energy being sad, mad, impatient and unkind when I have received so much kindness and so many “second” chances myself. Readers, if you have made it this far in my long-winded babble, I apologize for giving you my microscopic, self-focused perspective. I hope to change that. I know I need to say no to things, to take time to breathe, to pray, to get TRUE perspective. I will be more pleasant if I do that.

 

And H? Will you please forgive me for being so harsh, impatient, judgement and hurtful to you this week especially?

Nightmare at Christmas

12 Dec

I feel like I am living in a nightmare. Now, to be fair, there are MANY things in my life that are dream-like (my family, my level of comfort, my warm home etc.). But my relationship….well it’s fairly hellish right now. We barely talk. The most conversation we have is in the car on the way to the next event, or when we are with other people. I leave lists, send texts, call reminders in to H. He continues to do whatever it is he does all day.

I left at 7:45 this morning. I walked back in the house at 9:05. I’m exhausted. I have about 4 hours of school work to do tonight, and tomorrow night I won’t be home until 8:30 p.m. and have more work to do. I’m constantly behind, and now I am tutoring 5 times a week in addition to my job, extra-curricular activity and regular take home work. I’m about to blow. And you know what H said to me? He said, “what happened tonight that made you get angry so fast?”

HA! well tonight…nothing really. It’s simply life that makes me angry right now. More specifically my marriage.