I did it again

27 Nov

I kicked him out…

until my family comes back from a church meeting/lunch about 2 hours away (we have house guests that are currently with my parents). I think they get back tonight.

He didn’t want to leave, but I made him, telling him I would make a scene with the neighbors if he didn’t leave. I didn’t even let him change or take any house keys. He has a wallet and a phone, is wearing sweat pants and a nice jacket. Ha.

I know it sounds harsh, and my anger came so quickly to the surface, but it has been bubbling, simmering like a pot almost at boiling point, for so long, that I guess the temperature raised just enough to bring my anger to a full on boiling point. Admittedly this happens fairly often.

I  have questions about my seemingly reressed anger. I had an idyllic childhood of note in an extremely close, loving family. I don’t recall any traunmatic incidents in my life. Where is this anger coming from? Honestly, I know that today’s “problem symptom” was the fact that I got in the car and realized that the registration information was outdated and unorganized, there was a ton of trash in MY car (it was not my trash), and then I walked into our house and realized that ( I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD AND PETTY) H had left his stinky shoes (piles of them) right where I had asked him not to. Then I noticed all the dust where it should have been cleaned only a couple days ago. It was not simply two days worth of dust. That was the start of a fight that was too long and boring to re-tell until I locked him out, called the dog over to “hold” me and cried for awhile.

The worst thing is that H said, ” I love you” and looked in my eyes, and I said some variation of, ” You’re a liar and never follow through on anything.” Now I’m praying he doesn’t die in an accident even though it was my choice to say what I did.

Here’s the thing: I know this situation seems like I am a complete psycho, because who kicks someone out over dust and a dirty car? Well, I don’t know. I’ve been struggling recently about this repressed  anger I have. H has a way of pushing my trigger buttons, but I still have this anger. I still have control and choices and I am making them and letting my anger get the better of me. Here is what scares me: children who are abused sexually often block those memories, sometimes for their whole lives, but one resulting symptom is extreme repressed anger for seemingly no reason. Another one is sexual dysfunction. I have both of those symptoms. Sad, but true. Maybe a co-incidence, but I’m terrified of going down this path, even if it ends up crossing off an item/possibilty. Either I was abused and will have to work through that, OR I was not and will have this deep anger that I have no idea how to cut out of my life.



One Response to “I did it again”

  1. Biff . November 28, 2011 at 4:35 am #

    Hi, I’m glad you are sharing these insights. I feel it’s a healthy outlet. Also, much of your experiences resonate with the frustrations between my wife and I, and I want to share with you, as I have shared with my wife what’s going on, from my perspective.

    In your writing, I’m hearing very loud and clear how W’s ego is very fragile (“I don’t like this,” “I’m not his ______,” etc). Her mind is not calm and H is just always seeming to be “in the way” or he’s not knowing how to do anything right. It’s always something – really, what’s a man supposed to know what to do under such circumstances? At least that’s how it comes across when I read it over a few posts.

    My “crying out” to my wife is for an end “objective,” such as PLEASE help bring higher standards to our home, such as _________ …breaking immature, “being single” habits and expectations; not repeating our dysfunctional parents; and considering our behavior with children in mind for the future and how we will want to be modeling ourselves around them.

    What’s behind W’s “crying out?” And H’s crying out, what’s the concern behind it? Otherwise, why complain, other than to protect egos and to feel indulged.

    Also, it seems like W expects her husband to know what she likes/how to treat her/how things should be for her/him, when it seems like W doesn’t seem to know for herself, to begin with. It’s like she’s living by the seat of her pants. Can you imagine what it’s like for H to chase you down/keep up with you? Also, we don’t come with manuals. And more and more I keep hearing from singles and marrieds about how their relationships suck, and, meanwhile, none feels they need to teach their sig. other anything. It’s a big underrated problem.

    Further, the FEMALE must make a plan for her domain, the home – after all this is reality male and female home dynamics, not Hollywood’s marriage (which generally doesn’t portray the day-to-day menutia of the routines in a home – it just wouldn’t sell:)). Also, W must direct H gently, but also be consistent and firm, writing things down, out in the open – visual like how her man is… Write and communicate “now that we’re married,” how she wants things in the home, routines, scheduled meetings… structure – but for an overall “objective” – for family planning.

    Otherwise, the male will find something with which to structure his time, space, and energy… and wasted years go by. The woman needs to be there first to grab him – or should I say, EMBRACE him, before he finds something to do. The home is where the “lady” is in charge/takes charge – in a gentle, loving, though firm, consistent, direct, and methodical/routine/systmatic way – how a guy’s mind likes it. For example, W says, “We’re going to do _________ at __________. I look forward to getting ___ done with you.” Men like goals/objectives/direction to build and devote their energies to. Loosey-goosey/all over the place is no good – there’s already enough of that to contend with outside of the home…

    Again, overall/the big picture is it’s training/preparation for what you will have to do for your children. Why else would you marry? If you can’t manage your husband, what then for your children? Also, a man and woman don’t get married, just to carry on as they did before. It’s called, “refinement,” which, apparent with W in the blog – that is, it seems W, the lady, has a better sense of refinement than H – duh. So, ladies get to work and control your home, at least for your future children’s sake. Get it together/in order and remind your husband why this is so important – the children. …Kind of like prepping the seed bed for a healthy harvest – weeding, delousing, fertilizing, etc.

    W continuing to throw tantrums, like you did around the other male-figure you’ve lived with (your dad) is not going to present yourself as a wife, a queen, a matriarch, but as continuing to be the little girl. You’re man’s not respecting a little girl. It was fun/cute during dating, but you’re going to have to raise the bar, now that you’re married, if you want to be seen and respected as such.

    Related, check out this marriage insight: http://beyondthefaceoffacebook.wordpress.com/2011/11/24/dear-chronic-daters-part-ii-my-new-home/

    Wishing you heath and success – keep up the most worthwhile career anyone could have, marriage:)

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