I’m not a “to do”

26 Nov

There are several problems all connected. They are like a ball of wool. I’m trying to unravel it one string at a time, but occasionally one string pulls on another and they come out together…or only part of one strand comes out and is left in the mix, the mess, our relationship,  for a long time. 

First Strand: I am not a “to do” list item.

We have had discussions about what we need from each other. This is a smart thing to do in a relationship. If H doesn’t know what he needs from me, then how am I supposed to provide it? If I don’t know what I need from H, how is he supposed to fulfill my needs? I have asked H what he needs from me. H doesn’t know. More on this another time. Well there are TWO THINGS that I ask for: date night on Wednesday (planned by him) and a clean house one day a week (the day keeps changing, and although I do a lot of cleaning, H has been unemployed/works from home for quite some time so handles the weekly clean as part of his “job”). These things rarely get done. When they are done, they are usually not done well. This “strand” is a result of a conversation…err, fight we had earlier this week. H sees me as an item on his “to do” list. Read: not as his wife, his lover, his woman to cherish. Doing the things I need and having sex with me are items he “does to cross off my action items for the week”. I am NOT an ITEM on a “To Do” list. I am your wife. I have feelings. As long as you see me as an item, you will not be “doing” me at all. Ever.

Second Strand: Say what you mean, not what you think will get you out of trouble.

For Thanksgiving we have had a lot of people around. It has been busy. Every night we have a quick “What the plan is for tomorrow” meeting. Today there were two football games to be played (H and many of his friends). Tonight we are doing a birthday dinner for my sister at my mom’s house, since her birthday is this coming week but we’ll all be back in different places by then. H heard this all last night at the “meeting”. After the full day of football (instead of the reading and napping I really wanted to be doing), I heard H talking to the one friend of his that neither I nor my sister can really stand to be around. He was telling said friend that he was not going to make it after all to dinner tonight out at Chilis. I asked him if he thought making plans with this particular friend was a good idea considering my sister and I don’t like him, and we’d be together tonight. He dodged. I tried again. Dodged again. I finally just told him he has a problem just telling people the truth. He didn’t want to say no, so he added more work by having to have another few texts and a phone conversation to tell his friend that it wasn’t going to work. In the midst of all that, he interrupted me to say that for all he knew the girls were doing a girls’ night out. Seriously? WTF! He KNEW we weren’t from our “meeting” last night. Don’t just say what you think will get you out of trouble. That makes me MORE angry.

Third Strand: Listen just for a minute at least!

During our fight, H interrupted me. When I pointed that out, he denied it, saying, “I thought you were done”. Problem is that I was literally in the middle of a sentence – not even a pause! Just by stating that, he incriminated himself. On top of that, he also was texting while “listening” to me. THEN he had the audacity to tell me that he’d rather I not ask questions, but say what I mean. Last time (in a fight over a dirty house) I came out and said what I meant, he told me to ask questions and give him a chance to defend himself so we would be on the same page. Again, WTF?  And then forgetting plans for the evening…listening would make me feel like I exist, and like there is an actual marriage here.

Fourth Strand: Do you even want resolution?

H is frequently telling me that he thinks I like fighting and that I don’t actually want a resolution. Meanwhile, he doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t remember as a result of not listening, doesn’t follow through on the TWO things he is supposed to do, and then says what he THINKS will get him out of trouble. When H provides excuses for this actions that make me upset, he is avoiding confrontation, and therefore eliminating the chance of any kind of resolution. Just tell the fucking truth and it may get messy, but at least it will be truth instead of teh stress of determining the difference between truth and lies.

As I’m writing this, which is only about 15 minutes after our fight, H has 3 friends in the living room watching the Michigan vs. Ohio State game that he DVR’d today. Seriously? He literally JUST called them to come over. Who is actually the one avoiding resolution?

P.S. Readers, I actually do love my husband, but right now I don’t like him. At all.



One Response to “I’m not a “to do””

  1. creatingharvard November 27, 2011 at 6:22 am #

    I really enjoyed that. That doesn’t quite sound right to say I enjoyed it because of the situation but I hope you know what I mean. The opening paragraph referring it to the ball of wool I adored. Look forward to future posts =)

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