Why don’t you want me?(W)

4 Nov

It’s very scary to put this all out on the internet…so bear with me as I approach this very personal topic:

Our sex life has always been complicated, but lately frequency is low… I’m sure it’s more than some couples, but it is infrequent. Like once every two weeks now. If we’re lucky. It is a very complicated issue with many facets that have and have yet to be explored.

One of the main things I hate about our marriage is our sex life. That sounds terrible because it basically is a terrible thing to admit. H is a good lover but I often feel like he doesn’t want me. He has initiated sex like twice. Ever.  H is constantly being sensitive to me, and assuming I’m tired or in pain, and doesn’t want me to feel pressured. How sweet that he is thinking of you you say? No!!!!!! It is not sweet. INTENTIONS DON’T COUNT. As a result of his “sweetness” and selfless thoughts,  he never initiates because he always thinks I am tired or in pain, and he has convinced himself that he has a low sex drive. Lies! He does not… he has CONVINCED himself that he has a low sex drive as a way to cope with the situation. (No, I am not a psychologist).  Anyhow, he is constantly saying things to me about wanting sex or finding me attractive, but never asks for it. Once again, decisions are left with me. Of course. I have to make every decision. As a matter of fact, recently he said to me, ” I want you to find some way to release stress, and I know we never have sex because of your pain.” I was livid. L.I.V.I.D. My pain is occasionally to blame for us not having sex – but I mean occasionally. Like I’m sure every other couple has the occasional headache or gets sick etc. I do have chronic pain, but not the kind that affects our sex life. That is just H’s excuse for not initiating.

When he doesn’t initiate I feel unwanted. And that really sucks. It is a big hit to my self-esteem, my confidence, and my overall happiness in our marriage and in my life. It brings me back to feelings of mistrust and “not good enough” from my past, and our past…
Other factors that have, or do, affect our sex life (read: too many to discuss now, but will come later): pornography, trust, pride, confidence, orgasms.
There are some things that are supposed to be between a man and his wife, and their sexual intimacy loses something when it is shared with someone else, but there are aspects of sex that NEED to be discussed. It is normal, but I have felt so alone because I don’t ever hear anyone else talk about problems they have in this area. I just want H to want me. In a way I can feel it.

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