Archive | November, 2011

From H

29 Nov

Its been a while since I have written anything. Things are up and down with us. I love her and she loves me, I do know that. Sunday was one of the worst days so far…I want to try and work things out and she just seems to get more and more upset. It’s amazing how different we are with certain things.

I have started a new thing in an attempt to follow through on things which I tell her I will do. I write down in a notebook before I go to bed what I will do realistically the next day. I reference that notebook throughout the day and cross off things as I do it. Keeps me accountable and helps her manage her expectations. So far so good. I’ll keep you posted regarding this notebook. I feel like alot of our issues relate back to my not following through and thus her feeling unimportant and all that goes with that. We shall see. Thanks for reading. It helps to have a place to vent and know someone else is engaging with us.

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I did it again

27 Nov

I kicked him out…

until my family comes back from a church meeting/lunch about 2 hours away (we have house guests that are currently with my parents). I think they get back tonight.

He didn’t want to leave, but I made him, telling him I would make a scene with the neighbors if he didn’t leave. I didn’t even let him change or take any house keys. He has a wallet and a phone, is wearing sweat pants and a nice jacket. Ha.

I know it sounds harsh, and my anger came so quickly to the surface, but it has been bubbling, simmering like a pot almost at boiling point, for so long, that I guess the temperature raised just enough to bring my anger to a full on boiling point. Admittedly this happens fairly often.

I  have questions about my seemingly reressed anger. I had an idyllic childhood of note in an extremely close, loving family. I don’t recall any traunmatic incidents in my life. Where is this anger coming from? Honestly, I know that today’s “problem symptom” was the fact that I got in the car and realized that the registration information was outdated and unorganized, there was a ton of trash in MY car (it was not my trash), and then I walked into our house and realized that ( I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD AND PETTY) H had left his stinky shoes (piles of them) right where I had asked him not to. Then I noticed all the dust where it should have been cleaned only a couple days ago. It was not simply two days worth of dust. That was the start of a fight that was too long and boring to re-tell until I locked him out, called the dog over to “hold” me and cried for awhile.

The worst thing is that H said, ” I love you” and looked in my eyes, and I said some variation of, ” You’re a liar and never follow through on anything.” Now I’m praying he doesn’t die in an accident even though it was my choice to say what I did.

Here’s the thing: I know this situation seems like I am a complete psycho, because who kicks someone out over dust and a dirty car? Well, I don’t know. I’ve been struggling recently about this repressed  anger I have. H has a way of pushing my trigger buttons, but I still have this anger. I still have control and choices and I am making them and letting my anger get the better of me. Here is what scares me: children who are abused sexually often block those memories, sometimes for their whole lives, but one resulting symptom is extreme repressed anger for seemingly no reason. Another one is sexual dysfunction. I have both of those symptoms. Sad, but true. Maybe a co-incidence, but I’m terrified of going down this path, even if it ends up crossing off an item/possibilty. Either I was abused and will have to work through that, OR I was not and will have this deep anger that I have no idea how to cut out of my life.

Help!

I’m not a “to do”

26 Nov

There are several problems all connected. They are like a ball of wool. I’m trying to unravel it one string at a time, but occasionally one string pulls on another and they come out together…or only part of one strand comes out and is left in the mix, the mess, our relationship,  for a long time. 

First Strand: I am not a “to do” list item.

We have had discussions about what we need from each other. This is a smart thing to do in a relationship. If H doesn’t know what he needs from me, then how am I supposed to provide it? If I don’t know what I need from H, how is he supposed to fulfill my needs? I have asked H what he needs from me. H doesn’t know. More on this another time. Well there are TWO THINGS that I ask for: date night on Wednesday (planned by him) and a clean house one day a week (the day keeps changing, and although I do a lot of cleaning, H has been unemployed/works from home for quite some time so handles the weekly clean as part of his “job”). These things rarely get done. When they are done, they are usually not done well. This “strand” is a result of a conversation…err, fight we had earlier this week. H sees me as an item on his “to do” list. Read: not as his wife, his lover, his woman to cherish. Doing the things I need and having sex with me are items he “does to cross off my action items for the week”. I am NOT an ITEM on a “To Do” list. I am your wife. I have feelings. As long as you see me as an item, you will not be “doing” me at all. Ever.

Second Strand: Say what you mean, not what you think will get you out of trouble.

For Thanksgiving we have had a lot of people around. It has been busy. Every night we have a quick “What the plan is for tomorrow” meeting. Today there were two football games to be played (H and many of his friends). Tonight we are doing a birthday dinner for my sister at my mom’s house, since her birthday is this coming week but we’ll all be back in different places by then. H heard this all last night at the “meeting”. After the full day of football (instead of the reading and napping I really wanted to be doing), I heard H talking to the one friend of his that neither I nor my sister can really stand to be around. He was telling said friend that he was not going to make it after all to dinner tonight out at Chilis. I asked him if he thought making plans with this particular friend was a good idea considering my sister and I don’t like him, and we’d be together tonight. He dodged. I tried again. Dodged again. I finally just told him he has a problem just telling people the truth. He didn’t want to say no, so he added more work by having to have another few texts and a phone conversation to tell his friend that it wasn’t going to work. In the midst of all that, he interrupted me to say that for all he knew the girls were doing a girls’ night out. Seriously? WTF! He KNEW we weren’t from our “meeting” last night. Don’t just say what you think will get you out of trouble. That makes me MORE angry.

Third Strand: Listen just for a minute at least!

During our fight, H interrupted me. When I pointed that out, he denied it, saying, “I thought you were done”. Problem is that I was literally in the middle of a sentence – not even a pause! Just by stating that, he incriminated himself. On top of that, he also was texting while “listening” to me. THEN he had the audacity to tell me that he’d rather I not ask questions, but say what I mean. Last time (in a fight over a dirty house) I came out and said what I meant, he told me to ask questions and give him a chance to defend himself so we would be on the same page. Again, WTF?  And then forgetting plans for the evening…listening would make me feel like I exist, and like there is an actual marriage here.

Fourth Strand: Do you even want resolution?

H is frequently telling me that he thinks I like fighting and that I don’t actually want a resolution. Meanwhile, he doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t remember as a result of not listening, doesn’t follow through on the TWO things he is supposed to do, and then says what he THINKS will get him out of trouble. When H provides excuses for this actions that make me upset, he is avoiding confrontation, and therefore eliminating the chance of any kind of resolution. Just tell the fucking truth and it may get messy, but at least it will be truth instead of teh stress of determining the difference between truth and lies.

As I’m writing this, which is only about 15 minutes after our fight, H has 3 friends in the living room watching the Michigan vs. Ohio State game that he DVR’d today. Seriously? He literally JUST called them to come over. Who is actually the one avoiding resolution?

P.S. Readers, I actually do love my husband, but right now I don’t like him. At all.

 

Toxic

12 Nov

He called me toxic.

He is totally even keeled, so when he says something like this it is because he believes it.

Last time he called me psychotic.

Now what?

 

I’m lonely (W)

10 Nov

I’m lonely. I know a lot of people are. I’m lonely even though I’m married….sometimes ( a lot of time) it feels like I’m invisible and H won’t let me “in” his thoughts, emotions, dreams, expectations.Not to mention that I FEEL like my sister is my only true heart friend…and she lives 3 hours away.

I heard in the cheesy, yet sad, yet happy, movie “Bridesmaids” something similar to this: You are your own problem, and your own solution. Life is trying to beat you up. Are you going to let it, or fight back?

I don’t like being so lonely. I have to decide if I am my own problem, and then my own solution.

I shouldn’t be doing this… (W)

8 Nov

I shouldn’t be teaching Bible verses to the kids in Sunday School.

I shouldn’t be telling my little sister to be kind to people who make her mad.

I shouldn’t be giving any marriage advice.

I shouldn’t be telling kids in school not to curse.

I shouldn’t be singing in the worship team at church on Sunday mornings.

I shouldn’t be, but I am.

The more I think, the more I know those feelings of being not good enough are lies from the pit of hell. I FEEL like I shouldn’t be telling people these things, or doing these things because I am not able to do always do them myself.

The truth is I am a sinner.

The truth is I need God.

The truth is no-one (read: I ) can do it alone.

We were made to be in community and we die if we are alone. That is why so many lonely people are depressed.

Someone once told me that anything held in secret is held in shame. That does NOT mean you have to tell the whole world your secrets (although in this case I kind of am!), but it means in order to be free of guilt or shame, whether it is legitimate or put on yourself unfairly, you HAVE to tell someone.

I am a real person. I FEEL I shouldn’t be singing in church or teaching bible verses, or giving advice because I fail in so many areas and in so many areas I am NOT a good role model. But the truth is, there are many ways I AM a good role model. And a truly good role model protects the innocent from things that may hinder their growth, but allows them to see the world and people as many faceted and imperfect. Who will ever realize they are worthy of God’s love and help  if they see everyone else around them living perfectly? They will  feel not good enough.I am a good role model when I can show people and kids that no-one is perfect, and that is WHY we need God.

If people are real and open and honest more, we would have a lot less people feeling alone in their particular area of suffering or personal battle within whether it be hypocrisy, insecurity, addiction, fear, whatever…

For W from H

6 Nov

I am love

I keep you close when its cold

when the world is so unfriendly

its shoulder, cold and distant

I am here

I never leave

I am constant

I feel, hear, listen, remember, care, perfectly and completely

I exist in spite of everything

Those tears, fears and cares, let them go

Send them to me, I’ll handle it

Don’t worry, I got it

When all is crashing down, I stand firm

Your bulwark in the storm

The tides of life can’t wear me down

I change, only by getting closer to you

Closer, yet deeper and wider with each passing moment

When it’s hard to keep on, I’ll be there

Lean on me, go ahead I’m strong

I can take it, your bruises and rough spots

Give them to me

Let me hold you

Put your head here, you can hear my love

It’s beating slowly, firmly and constantly

It beats for you, only you

Day after day, despite the surroundings it beats

A drum that can’t be silenced

A rhythm that none can claim, but you

Hey you, pretty lady

It’s you, that’s what has created me, love

I am love xo