Archive | October, 2011

Another date night

20 Oct

So another date night down the drains. Here is my apology letter….

This is not easy for me to write as I am upset. However I did commit to cleaning and dating you once a week. My success in either of those departments has been limited at best. I am clear headed enough to know that your “Moods” regarding cleaning are not based on the level of cleaning but rather the act of following through. There fore I must apologize to you once again for my lack of commitment to you. I have not followed through on my words, which makes me a liar. I have not followed through on my promise to love you before all others and for that I am sorry as well. This is shown my by lack of planning date nights. I understand that all the other garbage that is brought up is not truly the heart of the issue. You want to know that you are the one and only thing in my life. And when you cant trust me or rely on my everything gets through into the wind.

Simple commitments, clean the house and date you. I will do both; not under duress but because they are important to you and our marriage. We both know I am not a good cleaner but I will give it a try. Dating you is easy, planning not so much. For me I need to know that your mine for the night. If this is no the case I need to know Sunday night before we go to bed or ASAP. That will allow me the freedom to make a plan and know I have no boundary’s.

I don’t want us to end. Even though we are both angry and hurt I do believe we can get through this. I don’t want you to quit your job. I want to make them money and though I haven’t told you it cuts deep when you remind me constantly about my failure to provide.

You deserve better, the best as God’s daughter. I am not it. But with Gods help I can be.

Forever yours,

H

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Acupuncture (W)

19 Oct

Today I got acupuncture for the second time ever. I still kept my eyes closed the entire time. The thought of seeing needles sticking out of my face freaked me out. I’m hoping that this will help alleviate my constant headache, and help our marriage in many ways, not  just our sex life…

 

Anyone have acupuncture stories or pointers?

Weekender (W)

16 Oct

So the no sex thing…..This weekend started out with me doing school work until 12:20pm. The rest of the weekend was fun, but we were either arguing or with other people the ENTIRE time until about 8pm Sunday night, and I’ve been doing school work again until now.

Pretty much either H or I have commitments every single night of the week, and I always have school work to grade or plan. We never seem to have any alone time. And between my bad sleep patterns (because of my pain and loud neighbors), and being so busy, there is never any time to be together long enough so that I feel connected and “into” having sex.

So it’s not that I don’t want to have sex with H. It’ s mainly that I am so tired all the time, and H does not make it easy. It’s like he is so sensitive to me that he doesn’t make the decisions, which leaves me with more “work” in the form of decisions. I need to feel connected, and without time, I can’t feel connected.

In general, I do not think it is healthy for me to share all the intimate details of my marriage with people we know, because mostly it’s none of  their business. However, I have learned that the times I feel the most alone is when I feel like no-one else has ever gone through what I’m going through (whether it is something serious or silly). I only wish that I had someone who could tell me, “Hey, I’ve been there…I’ve felt that…You are not the only one going through this…”. My hope is that my struggles will have at least one purpose: to let someone else know they are not alone.

Question for readers

14 Oct

So no sex this week. Week has been pretty good between the two of us. She just has been super busy, stressed and tired. I totally get it, no problems. I do want it but I can wait. Question how do you communicate you want sex without making her feel like she needs to do it. I want her to know I desire her but I also want her to be able to go to bed early without making her stay up for me. Thoughts?

Anger lessons (W)

11 Oct

I’ve learned many things about and from Anger:

  1.  Anger is usually a disguise for hurt. When I am the most out of control angry, it is usually my deep hurt putting up a shield so I don’t die inside.
  2. Anger stems from something being taken away. It is not always justified, but people only get angry when something is taken away from them. Like the time H took my “voice” by telling my mother about this blog.
  3. Anger controls you. You have to work HARD to control it.
  4. Can be for good, as long as it is used to drive someone or something towards a good goal without hurting anyone in the process. Obviously, although it’s possible, it is very difficult to do.

I have MANY stories I could tell on this topic…most of them are not pretty.

To the readers from H.

8 Oct

This woman is amazing! She puts up with so much yet still loves me. You should all be so lucky as to have her in your life.

Saturday sex?

8 Oct

I cheated and read H’s blog before I’m writing this one (we’re not supposed to do that). Anyhow, last night we actually went out together to a birthday party that was okay, but when we got home we decided to go out together for a drink. Just for fun. Because we never have fun together anymore. I was excited. That is – until our drinks arrived and he said, “I told your mom about our blog”.

PAUSE’> Mom, if you or any other family member is reading this, please, PLEASE stop and never read it again. This is the one place I can vent/explain/process my emotions so that I don’t hide anything in shame, can make someone (hopefully) feel not so alone (even if that someone is me), and can do all that without hurting the people I’m talking about. Well obviously H reads this. Thanks.

PLAY> Ok, so I flipped. As is flipped out (not as in gymnastics. I never was good at that stuff). I literally called him an f  ‘ing moron and left. I walked home. At almost 1am. In the dark. I left him there. I just could not believe it. First of all, this place is supposed to be a “safe” place for us to share (i.e. no hurting family members in case we say something in anger and because not all of it is their business even though we share it with complete strangers!). Secondly, he told her last Saturday and waited a week to tell me. He KNEW he shouldn’t have said anything. NOTHING is sacred with him. It makes me feel like crap. “Supposedly” he forgot to tell me. Thirdly, he had to wait til the one time we are having fun together to tell me? He had waited a week. What is one more hour? And last of all, he said he told her to forget it and never go here. Thankfully I trust my mother. Sadly, I do not trust my husband. He just gave me one more reason to doubt him.

When he came home he told me he had run into a friend and had to tell him I was mad. Uggh. Anyway, for the first time ever I told him I hate him, and I slept alone in bed. He slept on the couch. Until this morning when my alarm went off at 6:30. Thanks H (he had set it). For the record, I don’t really hate him. I just said it. I said it because I don’t know what to do. When I’m calm, he forgets things. When I’m angry he forgets things. When I yell he forgets things. I’m always invisible. I figured I give it one last try to get his attention. It didn’t. So, world, I do not hate my husband, but I DO hate how he makes me feel. I feel he took away my voice, and my sense of trust in him (that is a loooong story though).

So what does this have to do with the title “Saturday Sex”? Well I was sad this morning, because for the first time in along time we have no obligations other than errands and school work to do today, so we essentially have the morning to ourselves. Well, it made me sad all of a sudden when I realized that neither of us even so much as considered having “Saturday sex”. All because of the last few weeks. How much has changed! I’m sad deep in my soul today. For what was taken from me, for what is lost, and for what could be.

If I didn’t love him so much, I wouldn’t feel so terrible.