Another day, another fight (W)

8 Sep

I don’t think we’ve gone a day in over a year without a fight. Seriously. I’m soooo tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being tired. Tired of stress.

Here’s the deal: I have chronic headaches and back pain. It all started about 4 years ago. I get a headache almost every day that lasts all day usually. It is rare that I wake up without a headache, and even more rare that I go to bed without one. My back is always stiff, and last October I fell on an inflatable game at a fair and ruined my rotator cuff in my right shoulder (I’m right handed).  As a result – almost everything I pick up hurts me, regardless of how heavy it is. I’m never comfortable, whether it is standing, sitting or lying down, and I don’t sleep well. Ever. This is bad, because if you’ve ever met me, you would know that little sleep equals irritable me. You can see why this is really bad, because with constant pain, I’m already usually irritable. Not because I want to be either. I try REALLY hard to not complain about any of this stuff I’m complaining about here on our blog. I hate feeling like everything has to revolve around me, like I’m holding everyone’s plans back. We can’t go running – it hurts my back. We can’t carry backpacks, we can’t, we can’t, we can’t.

I’ve spent days of my life getting MRI’s of my brain, going to chiropractors and physical therapy for my physical pain. I have spent additional weeks of my life reading books and seeing a therapist to try to help me with my sexual and marriage issues. I have spent every other possible second working (I’m a teacher and LOVE being one, but it takes a crap load of energy, and I ALWAYS have work at home at night and on weekends).  Any minute amount of patience I have left at the end of a literally painful, and middle school crazed day, is an absolute miracle. And I have zero way to relieve stress in my life. These are the reasons why I fight so much with H.

H simply cannot understand my life. He really does try. He wishes he could take my pain. All that. But he has the.worst.memory.ever. And that sucks because it makes me feel invisible. He doesn’t remember things I say, but he can remember anything HE wants to. This happens a lot. So today, when I have a pounding headache and have had a full day at work (and tutoring after work), I walked in the door and was informed that H signed us up to teach a two week Sunday School class at our church. What?!?!?  Seriously. H added MORE to my plate, and then had the nerve to tell me that I need to block everything out until I get to the bottom of my pain. What the hell have I been doing the last year of my life with all these freakin’ appointments fit in between my job and taking care of H? For the record, H lost his job about a year ago – the company he worked for shut down. He has been doing part time things, but nothing full time. And please don’t get me wrong because he is actually a good husband, but he doesn’t do anything unless I:

1. write it down (and stick the note on the tv or computer screen)

2. Remind him more than once.

He does work. But I have to organize, plan, decide, remind, pester, re-do…..all that takes more time that if I do it myself. But if I do it myself, he complains that I don’t give him a chance.

So does that make me crazy that when he informed me we would be teaching a class for two weeks on Sunday, I kinda lost it (and did not even care that he had a job interview today or that he bought me a bottle of Gucci Guilty perfume that I’ve been wanting for a long time)?

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