I don’t get it

18 Feb

So she says the same thing over and over… I try to save her from saying it again by politely asking her to not repeat herself and attack me again…she gets annoyed that I interupt her. So my thought to her, say something different, that dosent involve telling me the same thing again. When you continually tell me that im a horrible husband I don’t listen to you!

His Parting Words

5 Feb

H walked out today again. As in he left. And as he walked down the stairs, instead of the reminiscent, “You’re a psycho,” he simply said, “You need to see someone.” I guess he wasn’t in a sentimental mood since he chose a new parting phrase.

As a matter of fact, I did find “someone” to talk to, and went on my own at first, and then brought H too. The sessions went for several months and helped a bit.

Tension has been high. I have been working steady 12 hours days for several weeks in a row, and we have been traveling for family stuff on weekends.We have not had sex in about 2 months….maybe longer. H has been “satisfied”, but WE have not had sex in forever. There is never enough time, never enough intimacy, never enough romance, never enough trust and transparency (and never anyone but me expected to initiate either).

I listened to a podcast where they said sex should never be about duty; only desire or decision. Well honestly, it is hard to DECIDE to be intimate with a person who you are angry with. And I certainly don’t desire being used by a man who I can’t respect.

We are close to 2 years with H being unemployed. He does a lot around the house, and he does odd jobs, and he does not know what he wants to do. BUT. I am mad. He literally has not tried to find a job. And I have been working my ass off to support us. I admit, I do think it would be helpful for me to “see someone” to talk things out. I have issues that need talking out. BUT, at least I have enough stress in my life to warrant a reason for needing to talk to someone. He simply has day after day after day off, and I still somehow end up being the one he wants making all the decisions. I HATE making decisions for us alone. He hates taking blame for anything. This is a combination that is literally driving us apart, and driving me insane. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. The problem is that if I’m not the man, then we have no relationship left at all.

I miss you

21 Jan

“I miss you,” is what I said to H this morning as he lay next to me in bed. How is it possible that I can miss him when he is right here next to me? Has anyone else ever experienced this?

On a side note, the snow that fell overnight clothed our world in white. Literally. The flakes are falling, it is a snow shower, a storm if you will, but it makes things so fresh and so beautiful. I am seeing what I hope is true of our relationship…we’re having our share of “showers” and “storms” right now, but it is really (I hope) just giving us a fresh, new perspective that might even just be beautiful when we look at the big picture.

Happy Saturday.

Do you ever wish?

16 Jan

Do you ever wish you could just move somewhere. Quit your job and move? I WANT to. I want to move south, away from the cold that bothers me…away to where people are generally more polite and less rushed. Is that crazy to give up a stable job and move away from NJ; to like Nashville? I mean, I love NYC, the beach, my town…but I don’t have a lot of close friends here…they are all spread out. And I am constantly stressed out here with this pace of life.

Would that be totally irresponsible? I have no mortgage and no children…

I really needed this

15 Jan

I stumbled upon this and I have not been able to get it out of my mind since I found it….I have always felt guilty, and not good enough. In my relationship with H and in my relationship with God. But I am trying to distinguish between the lies and the truth in my life, about me; about my value as a person.

Check it out: The Essence of Grace

Is it wrong?

14 Jan

Post # 2 in one day? It is only because I have time for once….well sort of.

Is it wrong that I am growing more and more annoyed that I am the one sick at home, doing my work and taking care of the dog, while H goes skiing and has fun, and I am also the only one paying the bills around here?

Abandoned

14 Jan

So H is off on an annual skiing tip. He left Thursday and will be back monday. I have the dog (who’s is still recovering from his surgery) and all my work to do. I do have a day off on Monday, and I feel kind of conflicted. Ever feel that way? I KNOW H loves skiing, and since I don’t, this is his one trip a year that he gets to go skiing, so I am happy for him. BUT it is also my long weekend, where we could have had some quality time together. We REALLY need that. I feel like he left me. There was no discussion; it was simply, “I’m going away from Thursday through Monday to go skiing with the guys.” 

So here I am feeling abandoned, yet slightly guilty that I feel abandoned. I’m not quite sure how to get “past” this bothersome bump.

Fear is paralysis

10 Jan

Fear can be paralyzing. My main fear is the fear of uncertainty. Fear is essentially a lack of trust. That’s all it is.

I recently watched “New Year’s Eve” (the movie) and there was a quote the struck me. I will paraphrase: If you could do one thing today and know you would not fail, what would you do? Now go out a do it.

This has me thinking as I ponder a new year and a new direction….

Question for a Monday

9 Jan

What is stealing your joy?

Don’t let it. Your purpose today is for more than letting something steal your joy.

SO, readers; what is it that steals YOUR joy?

From H – Happy New Year – Kind of….

2 Jan

So 2012 started off very much like other days. Without getting into all the details (see W post on that) suffice it to say I am committed to a difference. I have much to work on, mainly a failure as a husband and leader. I feel like most of our issues stem from my inability to lead in our marriage. I let W charge the enemy while I’m in the back. No more, this has been destroying our marriage and affecting all aspects of our relationship. This week is my week to re-focus and re-examine our roles and re-commit to her. I will work on leading from the front and not requiring her to be forced into a role she does not like and isn’t created for. I will show her that I can change and she can start to respect and trust me. Thanks for your support and looking forward to a New Year/New Start.